becka lippy

Serving God in "down time"

2012-02-12T01:36:00.001+09:00

I've "gone native" this morning. I slept in till noon. It's quite a feat for me but I think being on vacation this last week has helped. I was sick for a few days, low fever and congestion, but Im getting past it slowly but surely. I don't handle "resting" well. I don't like not doing anything with my day. So its been challenging to not be restless this week (even though I still had at least 3 hours of either church or teaching work each day). But last night, after getting home at 2am from a pastoral visit with a girl that I've been disciplng, I laid in bed and watched some tv, fully enjoying my alone time in my apartment. The truth is that over the last 3 years I've become quite a homebody. I'm afraid that it's going to result in even more selfishness and self-centeredness but the Lord has been faithful to give me plenty of opportunity to open my apartment, to chose to put someone else's need before my own. I have seen recently how self serving I am. When one of the kids in the church ask me to do something for them or with them and my attitude is unwilling because I "just don't feel like it", I realize how selfcentered I am, and how much I want to be other-centered. I see it too with the women in my church. I want to serve them, but on MY terms. I like to have control, to make the decisions, to choose the how and when. But that's not how Jesus served. And that's not how He wants His people to live.
So how do you become other-centered? I'm sure there is plenty of counsel for how to become more other-centered. But for me, the best way I can think of is: you pray that God would change your heart, and then you just do it. Even when the desire isn't really there. You act in accordance with how you WANT to be, not how you feel in the moment. And those actions help it become natural down the road.
So yeah, that's my prayer and my desire. That even in this "down" time, I would open to God bringing opportunities to serve Him in loving my brothers and sisters.

THANK YOU JESUS

2012-02-07T03:46:00.001+09:00

You'd think that I'd be proclaiming "Thank you Jesus!" for something really deep and profound, like salvation or life. You know, deep stuff. But no, while I'm grateful for the deep things, I'm SO grateful at this very moment because I just spent the last 3 hours searching high and low for my planner. When I realized this morning that I had lost it, I was frustrated and upset but figured I'd just have to get a new one. That was my attitude until I realized that I had a VERY important document tucked into my planner. A document that I need for my visa. One that would be VERY difficult to replace. So let's just say that when I realized what was at stake in finding this planner, I went into steroid search mode. I even made the long walk in the hot sun to the restaurant where my dad and I had lunch on Thursday, the last time I remember having it. With no avail. I wandered around the city, wondering what I would do if I couldnt find it. If I didnt feel so sick (I've had a cold or something since yesterday) and tired, I probably would have cried. But instead I wandered and prayed.
And of course, coming home and doing another search around my apt (I even looked INSIDE the washing machine!) I started taking the books off my bookshelf to be sure that there was nothing behind them. And sure enough, my planner had slipped behind some books on my bookshelf. THANK YOU JESUS! This means I can finish getting my paperwork together and submit my application for my permanent residency visa by the end of the week.
And now... time for a nap!

Time flies

2012-02-07T00:39:00.001+09:00

So I know its been a while since I've posted- but time FLIES!!! I was under this silly notion that January would be a slower month since its summer down here, but no. It was quite busy. December passed so quickly and then New Years catapulted me into a January that flew by. But now that we are in February, really, seriously, I want to take some time to slow down, reflect on the new year, on the last year, on the present. This post will be more about my time with my dad but I will write a few times this week to make up for the lost time. But first, some fun-ness with my dad!!!

My dad came down here for two weeks. It was his first time in Chile so I wanted to show him my favorite parts of life here. We spent a week in La Serena, a town up north where I lived for my first 3 months here in Chile. We went to the wedding of my dear friend Fernanda. We visited Valparaiso and Vina del Mar. And we hung out in my town- Santiago. All in all it was a wonderful time to have my dad here. He went home with a few battle scars (you'll have to ask him for the stories of those) but I'm hoping he'll come back soon for more good times!

This is from our hike up Cerro Santa Lucia. It's a hill with a yellow castle on it that I LOVE and I happen to live right next to it.

My friend Cony and I at the wedding

My dad posing from inside an ascensor (a cable car that brings you up a steep hill). These ascensors are all over Valparaiso and this one was on the hill that overlooked the dock of Valparaiso.

Walking down the hill from our hostel on a typical Valparaiso street.

to my pops

2011-12-04T09:27:00.002+09:00

I called my dad today, got his voicemail, and sang a hearty HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now, Im not really satisfied with that, so I decided it would be appropriate to give a full fledged shout out to my dad here on the blog.
One of the things I'd like to do here is to list some of the things I inherited from my dad that Im grateful for, and some of the things I WISH I had inherited from him, but I didn't.

Things I DID get from my dad:
- responsibility with money. Now this is less genetic and more training. From as early as I can remember getting an allowance, my dad had us put 10% toward tithing, 50% into "savings" and 40% was spending. By "savings" I mean the money went right back into his pocket. He gave each of us this little check book, we kept track of our savings and when the time came that we wanted to spend some of our savings on something we had to go to my dad to get the money out of the "bank". I VIVIDLY remember my first big purchase. It was a doll that I got from Toys R Us and I remember it was only supposed to be $19.99. But when we got to the cash register, it was over $20! Hence I learned first hand about how we have to pay taxes on purchases.

- my love for grocery shopping. Maybe youre thinking this is silly, but my love for grocery shopping comes directly from my dad. There aren't many people who LIKE grocery shopping. But I love it! I love walking up and down the aisles with a cart. I find it incredibly relaxing. I remember going with my dad to Costco on Saturday afternoons. We would go into the huge warehouse and go up and down the aisles getting all the samples we could. Then, after we had hit up all the samples (and my dad had got the few items he needed) we would head over to the food court area and get lunch. We could get either a big piece of pizza or a hot dog. My brother and I always got the pizza and my sister usually got the hot dog. She was so funny because she would eat it, not from the side like a normal person, but she would take bites along the top of the hotdog. (Do you remember this Aviva?) Anyways, back to the point. I love grocery shopping.

Something I did NOT get from my dad but I wish I did:
-steadiness. My dad is the most steady man you will ever meet. Like he has more discipline than an army general. He decides to do something and then he just does it. I on the other hand, decide to do something and then fight and often lose the battle to follow through.

Something I did NOT get from my dad and Im grateful:
-Baldness. Yep. and everytime people tell me I look just like my dad, I smile to myself, grateful that while I might look "just like him", I have hair on my head.

So yeah, thats my dad. Happy birthday to the incredible man who has been such a blessing in my life. I LOVE YOU!

MOVED

2011-11-07T22:23:00.003+09:00

Yesterday was a crazy whirlwind of a day. Yesterday, I moved apartments. They say that moving is one of the most stressful situations in life, and while I dont know if it was really one of the MOST stressful, it definitely wasnt a stree-free.
I went to bed at 2am on Saturday night, and woke up at 8am to finish the packing before church. Went to church, had a few of the people who had said they would help me move, then tell me that they couldnt. This included two of the girls I disciple, who I have been trying to encourage in their general service of others... oh well. Another battle for another day. I went home after church with my friend Magda. We grabbed KFC on the way home (and no, that is NOT common for me, but on a day like yesterday, french fries are exactly what the dr ordered!) We finished packing up the last bits and pieces and I tried to get organized. At 4pm, the two conserjes showed up and literally within minutes my stuff was all downstairs ready to be loaded into the cars. Then people showed up to help (just as we finished loading the cars of course!) and we headed over to the new place with the cars while the pick up truck got loaded with the furniture. Overall, it was really fast. It was amazing because some of the people who showed up, who werent even the ones I had thought would come to help, they were the ones moving the fastest. And others seemed to just disappear. But at the end, when all my stuff was in my apt, and all my friends where sitting around in my apt with pizza and soda, I was happy. of course about an hour into the "pizza party" I kicked everyone out so I could start to unpack. It took me about 2 1/2 hours but I got almost everything put away. Or at least as put away as I could since I still need to install a few shelves for my kitchen. But it's getting there, slowly but surely. And although I didnt sleep well last night, I am really excited to be in my new apartment. It's small, but its HOME!!!

a long weekend with veggies

2011-10-30T12:29:00.004+09:00

This weekend is a four day weekend. Now, normally I would feel the need to go crazy and do something extravagent for a 4 day weekend. At least a trip to the beach would be in order. But I feel like the last week or so has been a bit stressful. So Im chilling at home. I'm tired and not really sleeping well. So it's going to be a calm weekend here in Santiago. I got some fresh veggies and fruit from the market and am fully prepared to spend the weekend in my little domestic haven.

Here are my special finds from the market. Believe it or not, I spent about $8 on all of this. Crazy, right? I remember how last time I lived here, I ate so many fresh veggies. So I am trying to get creative with different recipes. If anyone has any suggestions they are more than welcome!

Jeremy: in India

2011-10-30T12:18:00.002+09:00

and my mom....

a facelift

2011-10-30T11:44:00.002+09:00

Its been quite some time since I changed the blog up. My dear friend Megan commented to me that she gets a migrane looking at the bright red, so I figured, why not switch it up a little. Put a little something tranquila to match the tranquila that I feel in my life at the moment. Im back in CHile, living in the neighborhood I love, with a stable job, and an incredibly sweet church. So yeah, tranquila is the word.
The credit for the photo above goes to my brother, Jeremy Lipkowitz, who is an extremely talented photographer. Maybe I'll post more of his photos just for fun. (Of course I'll do this without telling him, but in good family fashion my mom will gossip it along to him!) Anyways, that's all for now. Just a little change to spice things up.

la santa cena

2011-10-24T07:10:00.002+09:00

"la santa cena" literally translated as "the holy meal". In English we say Communion. It's celebrated all over the world in churches. It's form may look different in various denominations and cultures, but the heart is the same: to somehow repeat something that Jesus told His disciples to do in remembrance of Him. So we do it.
When I was younger, I didn't really understand what the fuss was all about. I loved celebrating Passover with my family, but when it came time for communion, the connection was missing for me. Part of the problem was that my church only celebrated it a few times a year during a special service. It was a sacred event, which I appreciate. But for me (and seemingly for others) the desire to make the event sacred made me miss part of the point. I wanted it to be full of reflection, deep repentence, and almost sorrow as I took the little plastic cup of grape juice. But I could never get somber enough to feel like I really "got it". When I started at the presbyterian church is when I finally started to wrestle with the whole sacrament. Why do we do it? What are we supposed to feel? How should we serve communion in our church? How often should it be served? Grape juice or wine? Matzoh or baguette? So many questions. But at the heart of all my questions was a desire to know Jesus better through this interaction He told us to do.
As the years have gone by, and the number of cultures and churches I've experienced, my love for the whole communion event has grown. This morning my church served communion and I knew going into it that my friend Yessy would be one of the people serving. And I decided that I would stand in the line to be served by her. Not that she holds any special power, but because she is one of those people that we always preach the gospel to each other. How beautiful to recieve communion (the gospel in material form) from someone who consistently gives you the gospel in verbal form. While Im sure we all miss out of part of the meaning of communion, this had to be one of the best ways to receive it. From the hands of my sister, as she gave me the cup and said, This is the blood of Jesus poured out for you. Drink this in remembrance of Him.

pushing myself

2011-10-19T06:02:00.002+09:00

Living cross-culturally is challenging in so many ways. One of my biggest challenges is understanding cultural differences and allowing space for the differences, but not hiding behind them. Some cultural differences are obvious- language, etc. Some of them show you the sin in one of the cultures. Some of them bother you more than others.
I've been here for 9 months now. And while it feels like time as flown by, it also feels like Ive been here for years. One of the things I like about living in another culture is how much it stretches you. It's just plain hard sometimes to live in another culture. There are plenty of people (mostly North Americans) who go live in other countries but stay in bubbles of their own culture. I am not here to do that. I have a few gringo friends, but I am very purposeful in who I spend time with. I know how easy it would be to spend all my time with people who speak English, who understand my culture, who share my worldview. But I want to be here in Chile, to be HERE.
Some cultural differences are mixed with sin. I could write an extremely LONG post on this but for now, I want to share an example from my own life. The gringo culture tends to be very individualistic. One of the ways that this plays out is in hospitality. We tend to think we are hospitable, but it's on OUR terms. We are okay with inviting people over for dinner, but WE invite them over for the time that WE want. And generally, the dinner lasts a few hours and then they leave. But the chilean mindset is much more open to people just dropping by, almost unannounced. And people staying WAY longer than my comfort level. I've already had a few instances where people came over to my place late on a Saturday night and I informed them that at 2am I was going to kick them out to a bar. I just need to know that if I want to go to sleep at 2am, I have that freedom. But I want to be more hospitable. So I am intentionally pushing myself in this area. The culture gives plenty of opportunity to practice hospitality. So this week, Im letting myself feel the push. When I get a call from a friend asking if she can come over in an hour for lunch, I say yes. When my small group leader asks if our group can meet in my apartment this week, I say yes. I want to be hospitable, so I am opening that door.. slowly. So far, God's given me grace to really enjoy the times and not feel the stress that usually accompanies such events.
I know that God wants to use my cross cultural living to make me more like Him. So I trust Him in this whole process. It get's uncomfortable sometimes but it's ok. I have a God that is bigger than all my discomfort. And it's in Him I rest.

sustained by grace

2011-10-16T21:07:00.002+09:00

This morning I am overwhelmed by not only the quantity of grace that is sustaining me at this moment, but the fact that God (again, because of grace) is letting me have a little peep into the reality of my need for grace. Recently I was unconsiderate of a friend. Very unconsiderate. It wasnt on purpose but my actions showed how poorly I loved her. She confronted me on it and I apologized again and again, truly sorry for hurting her, but the uneasy feeling stayed in my gut.
I am actively preaching grace to myself...
There are some aspects of my heart that are so girly, that they often are sinful. One of them is my tendency to wander off in my mind with a guy. I meet a quality (or so says his facebook profile) guy and its not too much an exaggeration to say that within seconds I have our courtship, wedding, and first three kids all planned out and ready to go. Why is it wrong to do this? Well, for one thing it comes from a heart that is not content with what God has for me in this moment. So this weekend, my heart as usual, not content in the Lord. But God has been (because of grace) teaching me to really surrender to Him. And that part of this surrender is honoring Him with my thoughts. And this is NO easy feat! My mind starts to wander, and I suddenly freeze, cry out to God and stop the movie that has started to play out in my mind.
Again, I am actively preaching grace to myself.
So as I lay here in bed on Sunday morning, overwhelmed by my need for grace, I am grateful that grace, by definition, is not something I can deserve or earn and that the grace that is mine, is mine by the blood of Jesus. That His work on the cross is stronger than anything I could ever do. And that it will never run out. My coldheartedness toward my friend, my lack of contentment in Jesus, all of my sin that is much bigger and grosser than I even know. It leads my back to the cross of Jesus. Where His faithfulness paid for my faithlessness. And by it, I have been given the most treasured possession in the world, a restored relationship with my Creator.
What sweet goodness I get to preach to myself this morning!

beach date

2011-10-14T23:20:00.003+09:00

It's Friday, por fin. Last night I got messages from my students that they wouldnt be able to make it to class today... and I thought to myself.. hmm... ESCAPE! I rescheduled my discipleship time with Maka (who definitely will have a blog dedicated to her soon) and I packed a backpack full of goodies- journal, bible, other nerdy books, sunblock, you get the picture. I woke up nice and early to get on an early bus and by 11am I was planted on the beach with a latte in hand. On the agenda for the day: NOTHING. Nope. Today is just a day to chill with the Lord. Enjoy one of my favorites of His creation, the Pacific Ocean. And just breathe deeply.
I was praying on the bus ride here and I was thinking about how I wanted to view this day as a day with Jesus. It reminded me of one of my guy friends who said it was ridiculous for girls to talk like that. And I have to say, of course it's not the same as a real date. But Jesus calls Himself the bridegroom of Israel. He wants us to relate to Him as a loving husband who laid down His life so that we might have a relationship with Him. So while I realize all the lines of corniness are being crossed here, I will stick with my gut and say that yes, I AM on a date with Jesus. He is the lover of my soul, the One who protects me, cares for me, loves me. These are all the things I hope to experience some day in a husband, but ultimately they come from Jesus. So bring on the beach date! This girly heart craves His love!

dogs and prostitutes

2011-10-12T11:55:00.002+09:00

So as many of you know, I live in a somewhat sketchy building. Its 11 floors, with about 6-8 apartments on each floor. There are a couple offices on the lower floors, a gyno office on floor 2 and the bottom is a peruvian restaurant. Half of the apartments are empty and the majority of the occupied ones are used by prostitutes. They dont actually live here, they just work here. I've noticed that "business" hours tend to be 5-11pm. There are some downsides to living in this building. Sometimes the men arent sure where to go to find a prostitute so they just wander the halls and knock on doors until they find one. So I just dont answer my door if there is only one knock on it. Also, the elevator is really small. Like it only fits 3 people and that's with a lot of personal space invasion. Sometimes I get the awkward situation of riding up in the elevator with one of my neighbor girls and their client. awkward. Then there are the few guys who approach me outside my building (or at the elevator) to ask for my price... again, awkward. But really, for the most part, it doesnt bother me living here. That is, until I have to deal with the dogs. There are some stray dogs that live in my building, and the pee and poo they leave in the hall, sometimes right in front of my door, is just NOT COOL. The lady who lives on the floor above me is older, probably in her 70s and she has taken it upon her to adopt all the old stray dogs she finds. She currently has 6 or 7 dogs. dirty dirty dogs. They bark. They pee. They really smell. And again, small elevator. So when she uses the elevator, all her dogs filling the small space, the smell is overwhelming.
The point is, I've realized that I have MUCH MORE patience for the prostitutes than the dogs. Funny, eh.

two thieves of the gospel

2011-10-11T21:55:00.003+09:00

This week I get to participate in an incredible conference called "Transformacion de la Cruz" or "Cross Transformation". It is coming out of John Piper's ministry Desiring God and it focuses on why the cross has to be central to every area of our ministries and lives.
Last night the key speaker, Pastor Glenn, gave an excellent talk about the two thieves of the gospel- religion and irreligion. He described the irreligious as the person who tries to lower God's standard to justify himself. And the religious as the person who tries to raise his own justification to get closer to God's standard. Both descriptions stung. Depending on the situation, I will choose which of these two thieves of the gospel serves me best. It is so hard to accept my absolute failure and God's absolute perfection... and the only way I can deal with these two unavoidable realities is to cling to the cross. For it is there that these two realities are reconciled.
I know this may sound like lofty theology, but it has become the very truth that I cling to in moments of despair. It isn't natural to think about the cross. But I've found that this is an area where discipline has really served a sweet purpose. Good theology is only good as long as it makes its way into your heart. I can speak about grace and the cross but if I am not living it, it's useless. Thank God that even the act of remembering and practicing grace is an act of grace in and of itself. He is good, He is good indeed.

How big is your Jesus?

2011-10-11T02:29:00.005+09:00

When people ask me what I do here, I am always a little dumbfounded as to how to answer. I teach English here, but I am here because I want to live here. I want to serve the church here. I want this neighborhood, Bellas Artes, to know Jesus. So I serve the church here. One of the ways God has me serving is in discipling some of the girls in my church. I have 3 girls that I meet with individually for a few hours each week for discipleship. It is such a blessing to meet with them, preach Jesus to them, and walk with them through the mess that we call our relationship with the Lord. One of the big topics among all the girls is idolatry. I've talked enough about this topic on this blog that I shouldnt need to say that I am not referring to little golden idols, but to our hearts' unrelentless search for satisfaction in things outside of Jesus. Really, it's pathetic. I've found myself asking the girls (and myself!) "how big is your Jesus?" Is He small so you can control Him (or so you think)? Is He small so you doubt that He can truly satisfy you? Do other things seem to be bigger and more satisfying than Him? Or is He creator of the universe, your Lord, the One who knows and loves you and has purchased you with His blood? How powerful is your Jesus? How good is your Jesus? How big is your Jesus?

back on the horse...

2011-10-11T02:25:00.000+09:00

Im not really sure where to start. Too much time has passed and too much life has passed. It’s been about 3 months since I last posted. A few of you have asked why I stopped blogging. I started blogging 6 years ago when I first moved to Chile. This blog has seen me through quite a few stages in life, even through quite a few countries. I blog for others (my family, my friends) but I also blog for myself. But recently, life has been a bit full. In the last three months, my work load has increased a bit, my commitments with my church have increased (the amount of activities, the sentiment has always been 100%) and some key players in my life have come and gone. One of the bigger moments recently was when my boss, who has been an incredible support for me in my life here, died. Very unexpectedly. She was young, in her mid 30s, and for all we knew vivacious. I don’t want to get into the dirty details here but I will say that the cause of death is still not sure. She left behind her husband and 3 year old daughter. While it didn’t effect my everyday life, it has definitely changed my role in my job. I am helping the widower (my new boss) with logistics in the institute. And the future of our institute is a bit unclear at the moment. Again, no need for details. But its been a bit crazy.
Another part of my absence has been the rollercoaster I’ve been on with the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, His faithfulness never fails. But mine is ridiculously inconsistent. Since May I’ve shed quite a few tears in my struggle to believe that the Lord is both good AND all powerful. He’s been exposing my heart to the ugliness that lies beneath my façade of godliness. I say that I trust Him, but when push comes to shove, I panic at the thought that He might have plans for my life that don’t match up with what I have dreamed of. I have wrestled with Him, knowing (and even desiring) that He will win. But the angst in my heart grew strong and spilled out into tears. People kept asking how they could pray for me, and my answer was to pray that I would find my JOY in Him, and Him alone. I was so tired of my heart’s pursuit of idols. I just wanted to enjoy Jesus. But my heart was stubbornly clinging to these idols that I knew would never truly satisfy me. The last two weeks have been much better. Prayers have been answered and I feel a million times more tranquila. I find myself literally skipping down the street in joy after our church leadership meetings, singing praise songs as I clean my apartment, and laughing a LOT with my girlfriends. The Lord has been filling my life with joy. He has been reminding me that gratitutde is not an action but a general attitude in life. So I am choosing gratitude. Choosing joy. Choosing to believe that Jesus is infinitely more satisfying than anything else.

Chosing Joy

2011-06-13T06:17:00.002+09:00

Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been wrestling with joy. I have all this theology in my head, but living it out, enjoying the fruit of it, is another thing. I am fighting to live out of the reality of who I am in Jesus. I've noticed with some of my friends, as we've gotten older the pressure of the world becomes both more stale and heavy. It's this constant voice that tells us that we don't have enough. Not enough money. Not enough security. Not enough love. It's the world of marketing at its best. We NEED more. So while the world around me tells me that I need something more, I am fighting to see my everything in Jesus. He is enough for me. He is. I am fighting to believe it. It's not always hard to live it. There are moments of grace when I see and feel His goodness in such a tangible way. There are moments when I realize how wonderful He is, how great His love is, how unbelievable it is that He has loved me despite my rebellious heart. Moments when the good news of the forgiveness of my sins and the restoration of my relationship with my creator is so sweet that it fills my heart with joy. Those moments are precious gifts from the Lord. So I will treasure them, and store them up in my heart for the times when I can't feel the reality that I know to be true.

Making Jesus ultimate

2011-06-03T00:19:00.003+09:00

I've been struggling over the last few weeks with some big truths that have made themselves into my head but aren't settling in my heart. For example: Jesus is my joy. Yep, I believe this with my brain. I know this is true, but I don't feel it is true. I feel like I get a lot more joy from other things. I know I should get joy from knowing Jesus but really, when I am honest, I spend a good deal of time and energy trying to find sources of joy outside of Jesus. This isn't to say that we shouldn't ever find any joy in any place other than Jesus. But as I was explaining recently to a friend, I need to be very jealous of my relationship with God and if I see that something is distracting me from Him, or stealing my affection from Him, I need to "alejarme" (to move away from) that thing.
Or let's talk in terms of idols. No, not little wooden statues that people bow down to, but things both abstract and concrete that we put our hope or value in. Things that make or break us. Success, money, our homes, comfort, friends, husbands. Usually the things we make into idols aren't bad in and of themselves. It's what we do with them. Things like a good job, a good home, a loving family... these things are good! But when we take these good things and make them ultimate things, that's when the trouble starts.
I've been seeing this play out in the area of love. Of course I want to be loved and to love, to get married... but when I feel like I can't experience FULL joy now because I dont have that, I am making it an ultimate thing. When the truth is that I am fully loved now. I am not lacking anything. I know that in my head and now I am praying that God would make that truth real in my heart.

Roses!

2011-06-02T21:59:00.002+09:00

Last night at ISA I got a LOVELY surprise from my dear friends Beth and Derek Brown- a huge bunch of BEAUTIFUL roses!!! That's right. And not just any roses, but probably my favorite kind of rose. They are multi-colored (yellow and orange) and they have crinkely tops.

happy birthday to me...

2011-05-29T12:18:00.002+09:00

Hello all!
I know it's been quite a while since I posted here. To be honest, I've had a rough few weeks. Why? you ask. Well, basically through the course of a few events, and a few people, the Lord showed me just how little I trust Him. So we had a bit of a wrestling match over the past few weeks and I bet you can guess who won.
But this past week has been much calmer. I still feel like my trust is much more "head" trust than "heart" trust, but it's okay because I have seen the Lord's faithfulness in this time and I know He won't let me go.
So tonight is my last night as a 27 year old. I had an asado (bbq) last week for my birthday. Honestly, I don't really like to celebrate my birthday. It has nothing to do with getting older. Actually, in some weird way I like the fact that I am getting older. I don't feel like Im as mature as I should be at this age, but I like to think that with age comes wisdom and I really want that. So bring on the years!
No, I don't like to celebrate my birthday because I am uncomfortable with all the attention on me. I know most of you don't believe me since I am generally a very social person, but it's true. And actually, I am not as socially driven as I used to be. I find that I really need a lot more alone time these days. Tonight I'm home alone. My friends invited me to go out and I was just too tired to make it happen. No, my perfect Saturday night was staying home, in my pjs, and listening to music on youtube. (And no, Im not depressed, I'm honestly very happy, I just want to spend more time alone!)
Tomorrow is Sunday, my birthday. My friends are planning a lunch for me. Which is really sweet, and totally unexpected. In fact, it is slightly unwanted. I dont like the attention and the thought of a group of people all singing happy birthday to me makes me blush even now! But I realize that this isn't even really about me. My friends want to do this, and I need to get over myself and let them. I need to let them love me in this way. So I'll spend the morning alone and then head over to my friend Mauro's house where the festivities will be held.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet, but it doesn't quite feel like a birthday. I'm not sad or excited for tomorrow. Weird eh? Well, in any case, I'll be 28 tomorrow (or in 15 minutes at midnight!!!) So wish me happy birthday, send me cards, and watch me get wiser by the day!

10 Reasons I love living in "downtown"

2011-05-12T02:45:00.000+09:00

10. the noise
9. the constant movement
8. awesome access to public transit
7. better shopping opportunites
6. working close to where you live
5. having neighbors from all over the world
4. having the police close by pretty consistently (although, its sucks needing the police to be close by consistently
3. sitting at my windowsill and watching my neighborhood in action
2. you can't avoid the reality of life (the homeless, prostitutes, general breakdown of society)
1. God loves the city!!!

One reason I DON'T like the city:
having to deal with my completely rational fear of pigeons!!!

speaking of children....

2011-05-11T10:45:00.001+09:00

An awesome post from Justin Taylor that I just had to repost. Of course, he is quoting Kevin DeYoung... so this is a re-repost!

Enjoy!!!!

Parent-Child Conversations on the Gospel
Kevin DeYoung gives a fairly typical example of what gospel-centered attempts at parenting can look like in action:

Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What’s going on in your heart when you desire that toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Think about it son. Use your brain. Don’t you know something?
Child: I guess I just want the toy.
Me: Obviously. But why?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Fine. [Mental note: abandon "why" questions and skip straight to leading questions.] Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?
Child: No.
Me: Really?! He’s not having fun? Then why does he want that toy in the first place?
Child: Because he’s mean.
Me: Have you ever considered that maybe you are being mean by trying to rip the toy from his quivering little hands?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What do you know?
Child: I don’t know!
Me: Nevermind. [I wonder how my brilliant child can know absolutely nothing at this moment.] Well, I think taking the toy from him will make your brother sad. Do you like to make him sad?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: [Audible sigh.]
Child: He makes me sad all the time!
Me: Well, I’m getting sad right now with your attitude! [Pause, think, what would Paul Tripp do? Thinking . . . thinking . . . Man, I can't stop thinking of that mustache. This isn't working. Let's just go right to the Jesus part.] You know, Jesus wants us to love each other.
Child: I don’t know.
Me: I didn’t ask you a question!
Child: [Pause.] Can I have some fruit snacks?
Me: No, you can’t have fruit snacks. We are talking about the gospel. Jesus loves us and died for us. He wants you to love your brother too.
Child: So?
Me: So give him the toy back!

Then I lunge for the toy and the child runs away. I tell him to come back here this instant and threaten to throw the toy in the trash. I recommit myself to turning down speaking engagements on parenting.

Motherhood

2011-05-11T05:38:00.002+09:00

This blog is dedicated to Ale and Pao for going against their own culture to serve their families. You are inspirational to me!

In light of this week's celebration of mothers, I want to share some thoughts I've been working through while living here. You see, being a mom is a HUGE dream of mine. And when I say huge, I mean gigantic. I have wanted to be a mom since I was 3 and my brother and sister were born. I think tends to be a somewhat natural desire among women across cultures. But how motherhood looks, what is expected of mothers is quite different from one culture to another.

One of the benefits of living in another culture is being able to judge more clearly your own. One of the big differences between chilean and gringo culture is the role of the family. Here, families spend a lot of time together. I mean, seriously, even my adult students will spend all day saturday at their parents house. Just hanging out. No particular purpose. I think this is great. I love that families know how to relate to each other and that they like to just spend time together.

Recently though, I've been noticing that women in chile really value working. I assume this is strongly related to their desire for financial independence which is a fairly new concept here. So women study hard in university, and work hard in their jobs to get ahead. Now, in the states, we do to. But there is a growing trend, or at least I think there is, among both religious and non religious women to value their place at home. Now, before you go and call me antiquated and sexist, let me explain. There is a growing trend among women to find satisfaction in doing things that deal with the home. I have girlfriends (and some guy friends for that matter!) who like to knit. A lot of my girlfriends are interested in making their home a lovely welcoming place, cooking healthy and delicious meals, and when the time comes that they have kids, a lot of my friends are choosing to stay at home. Having the "freedom to stay home with your kids" is becoming a value in our society.

So where does Chile stand on this matter? Well, today in one of my classes I mentioned staying home with kids and the two women in my class literally cringed. One even declared "that's insane". In their opinion it is absolutely ridiculous to want to stay home and focus on keeping your house and raising your kids. I think the two women (one is actually already a mother) in my class are fairly representative of chilean women's feelings toward being a "homemaker". Why clean your house if you can hire a maid? Why cook if you can hire a peruvian maid who can cook even better than you can! Why stay home and care for your child all day when you can hire a peruvian maid who takes care of children. It is very common here to have this situation. I have a one bedroom +livingroom apartment and I have students all the time telling me to get a maid.

But I value being a woman who can "keep house". I want to be a good wife and mom someday and to me that means I want to know how to keep my house clean, how to cook well, how to fix things in my house, and how to give up some of my independence for the sake of my family. I am wary of judging cultures as good or bad. But I do think we can see cultures that fit more or less what the bible teaches. In this case, I refuse to adapt to chilean culture. I refuse to find my value in how independent I can be. It's strange since at this point in life, I am SO independent. I think it will be a challenge to give this up, especially when the culture around me is telling me that it's foolish to give up your job for your family.
But I want this. I want to honor God as a wife. Honor Him as a mom. So I will fight for it. And its encouraging along the way to see that there are some, although very few, women here who are also fighting for this "freedom". Our church is very blessed that the two moms in our church have both given up their jobs to stay at home with their kids. Ale and Pao, you are such an encouragement and model to all of us. Thank you for your service not just to your family, but to the whole church.

Feliz Dia de la Madre!

2011-05-09T01:05:00.002+09:00

Each year, on Mother's Day I post a note about my mom. Often I am far far across the world and can't wish her happy mother's day to her face, so the blog has to suffice. This year, we are even further away. She and my brother are travelling around India for a month. I know, adventurism runs in the family. (Mom, don't fight me on the word "adventurism", I'm an English teacher!) Anyways, here is a photo of my mom in India:

Isn't she absolutely beautiful? Happy Mother's Day mom. I love you mucho and I'm so proud of you for all that you have accomplished!

A note about my grandma:

I can't celebrate Mother's Day without a special shout out to my wonderful grandma. She is truly one of my favorite people in the whole world and I am so blessed to have her in my life. What other grandmas buy and learn how to use computers, video cameras, and skype so they can stay in touch with their grandaughters? My grandma Phyllis is a gem! Love you grandma!!!

adventures when living in a sketchy building

2011-05-06T10:49:00.002+09:00

Warning: grandma (and all other Jewish mothers), please be forwarned that this post is very honest about my life and you may or may not want to read it.

So as I have mentioned before, I live in a building that is generally occupied by prostitutes. Most of the apartments are used as places of "business" for my neighbors. This means that certain awkward situations arise at times. Like when a guy goes through the building knocking on random doors waiting for one to open with a girl ready to go. When these guys knock on my door, usually they knock once, realize I'm not a prostitute and then move on. But last week, this guy kept knocking at my door. Don't worry, I don't EVER open my door for a stranger, but this one took a firm declaration to LEAVE MY DOOR! And he did. Now, usually my awkward moments are more like riding in the tiny elevator that only fits 3 people, with a neighbor and her client. Awkward, but okay. But this morning my building sank to a new all low. The elevator wasn't working so I took the stairs. On my way down the stairs I passed by a, what? what's that? oh yeah, it's a used condom. Yep. Goodness gracious. All new low, even for my building. But you know what, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This honestly is kinda a dream come true. Not the condom part, but the getting to do ministry in the middle of the broken and downtrodden. (And grandma, to make you feel better, at least I'm not trying to minister to the prostitutes in southeast asia! It's MUCH safer for me to be here in Chile.)

time for a change... but not yet!

2011-05-06T10:19:00.002+09:00

I have a friend here, I'll all her Mary. She's going through an interesting phase in her life, getting ready for marriage, learning through some interesting trials what God wants to teach her. And as she is sharing with me all that the Lord is teaching her, I feel the Lord preparing me for a change. I started reading "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. And before you go and get all worked up about how you don't like the book, let me just say that I don't agree with everything, but I sure do agree with a lot. It's making me feel even more resolute in a lot of my convictions concerning dating.
Here in Chile, it's really common to have a palolo (boyfriend). It's NOT common to be single for a purpose. It's really common to make out in public. Seriously, ask anyone who has lived here and we have plenty of stories of couples rubbing up against us as they make out on the bus. Gross, right? And before you go thinking that this kind of behavior is just non-christians, oh no, physical boundaries aren't so strict even among christians. Now, this will be fun once I'm married. The whole getting to sit on a bench in a park and just kiss your heart out. But for now, it's just a challenge to navigate the life I want to live here.
And yet it has also strengthened my faith that God will bring the right guy at the right time. The odds seem against me that a guy who loves Jesus and wants to live a life for Him would end up in my life here. But as my friend Derek reminded me last night, the more against the odds my situation seems, the more it forces me to trust Jesus.
And I feel like this change is around the corner. That might mean in a few weeks, or a few years. But it feels like it's coming. In any case it's so nice to be here, in this country where I want to be, living a life that is more awesome that I could ever have imagined. So when that time comes, I'll gladly take it. But for now... it's all good.

What a season!

2011-05-06T10:00:00.003+09:00

Life is moving pretty fast these days. I find the days moving pretty quickly and the weeks are just flying. The time between each weekend seems so long when I am facing Monday morning, but come tonight, a Thursday night, I can't believe I'm only one day away from Saturday! Part of the reason the time flies is that there is just so much to do! I have my "real" job, teaching English at the Central Depository of the Stock Exchange (or at least that's how I translate it). And I like my job. I like most of my students, I have a pretty good schedule, and they pay decently. But this isn't my life or at least not all of it.
When I think about my life, I think about my church, my sweet community that I have there and all the work there is to do in our tiny church plant. There are these three girls that I have started to teach how to read the Bible. They are all fairly new to their christian walks and its so exciting to get to study the Bible with them!One of them who I feel particularly close to has asked me to disciple her and I am just amazed each week at how the Lord is being so faithful to teach her more about Him.
THen I have my building. As many of you know, I live in a building full of prostitutes. Most of the apartments in my building are used by prostitutes for their... "business". This has been such a HUGE blessing. I know, you're thinking I'm crazy. But I've always had this desire to be one of those missionaries like Amy Carmichael who work with prostitutes in south east asia. And now, check it out! I'm in my country, Chile, AND I get this chance to live with and hopefully minister to these ladies!

My Michelle and her Ernest

2011-05-01T23:19:00.003+09:00

Today is the day! My dear friend Michelle and her beloved Ernest tie the knot. I met Michelle at Westminster, in fact we met on the first day and it didn't take us long to realize we were gonna be lifers. Over the course of our friendship, now almost 4 years, we have seen each other through soooo much. Especially in terms of relationships. Both of us have had our heart broken, have loved foolish men who didn't know how to treat a daughter of the King, and have longed for a man who would love us for who we were. Michelle met Ernest through our friend Julie. Because Ernest lived in D.C and Michelle in Philly, they didn't actually meet face to face until they had already talked quite a bit through email and phone. They spent their first day together in New York (which in my opinion is just a magical place!) and from there decided to pursue the relationship even though the distance would be challenging.

Then, last year, Michelle moved to Chicago where Ernest had been relocated. It's been a steady road for them and I have been sooo blessed to be their biggest cheerleader along the way. Michelle is one of those women who have too much passion for her own good. She dreams big and fights hard. As she enters into marriage with Ernest, I am praying with great expectation that the Lord is going to use their marriage for great and wonderful things. Michelle and Ernest- have a wonderful wedding, full of joy, and expect a visit from me soon!

Sarah and Glyn

2011-05-01T23:01:00.003+09:00

The last few months have been FULL of weddings: Sam and Peggy, JungMi and Will, Stacy and Chris, Liz and Daniel, and of course The Royal Wedding. But this weekend in particular, two of my dearest girl friends are getting hitched. First, let me tell you about my dear friend Sarah.

Sarah works at Jews for Jesus, where my dad works and where I worked for a few months in 2007. In those few months, Sarah and I met, started hanging out and quickly developed a deep friendship. She is one of those people who I know I was supposed to be lifetime friends with and it was just a matter of meeting. After those 3 months, I left town, in fact I left the country. But that didnt stop our friendship. Over the last four years we've kept a long distance friendship and I've been so blessed to share life with her. When we met, we were both single. Four years has seen us both through a few relationships and we talked through each one, encouraging, counseling, rejoicing, and when they ended, crying. But last night, that season of Sarah's life ended. Last night, Sarah and Glyn married. I remember when Sarah met Glyn. He had made some comment about unabashedly liking romantic movies, and he had confidently pursued her. I remember that she wasn't sure where this was going, but she liked what she had heard thusfar.

Way to go Glyn! Sarah is one of those women who truly needs to be a wife. She is so creative and thoughtful. She loves to bake and is often volunteering to serve people who may or may not thank her. She is seriously one of the most lovely women I have ever met in my life. She is steady in her faith and kind. Oh, and did I mention she is just plain out beautiful? Glyn, you've scored big in winning over Sarah's heart. I am so happy for you guys and am praying for you.

Passover

2011-05-01T10:26:00.000+09:00

It’S been a few weeks since I last posted. Nothing dramatic happened, but life in general has been pretty full of… just life. Last weekend was our church retreat. I took on the awesome challenge of preparing the Passover seder for my church. In the past, when I’ve held Passover Seders I’ve gotten stressed from all the prep work that goes into it. Last year, I really worked hard to put together a haggadah that I could use for years to come. I imagined my children growing up with this haggadah and my children’s children. I know, it’s way sentimental, but that’s me. So when it hit me this year, that I wouldn’t be able to use that haggadah but I would need one in Spanish, I felt a bit overwhelmed. After some research, I found a messianic haggadah in Spanish. Between Spanish haggadah, using google translate with my own haggadah, and a TON of hours I was able to produce my own Spanish version. It wasn’t perfect, but time ran out and I used what I had. Then came the challenge of finding all the materials needed for the Passover. Things like Matzah and a lamb’s bone are not so common down here. I found Matzah and bought 4 big boxes of it. I ran all over town trying to find a lamb’s bone, but eventually settled for a cow’s bone. I boiled it for about 6 hours, scrubbing off all the meat as I went along. I got the rest of the materials ready: candles, a white linen, horseradish (also a challenge to find), the charoset, parsley, and all the bowls and plates to go with a seder for 30 people. People kept asking me beforehand what I was doing. Was it a dinner? Kinda. Was it a church service? Kinda. What was it? I always struggle to answer these questions.
But the whole thing went really well. I even had kids present this year so we could have a real hunt for the afikomen! One of the coolest parts was that I found out that one of the guys in my church has a Jewish grandmother. Hence, in some way he is Jewish. He doesn’t really have much of a Jewish identity, but still we got to share a bit about Jewish heritage. (And by the way, it was his son that found the afkomen!) While I’m sure that I butchered some of the Hebrew and a lot of the Spanish, I was really excited to share this part of my cultural heritage with those who can claim this as part of their spiritual heritage. The whole night in general went really well and afterward people told me that they were really moved by the whole thing. They all seemed really touched by the ceremony of it all.

counting my blessings

2011-04-14T10:58:00.004+09:00

I have nothing special to say at the moment except that I feel extremely blessed. Tonight, walking home from church I was overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me. Beyond all the obvious (a relationship with Him, grace for my ridiculous self, etc.) He has placed me here in this season to live a pretty sweet life. Here are the blessings I see in my life: 1. I am living in the country I love. There are definite moments when I get frustrated, but ever since I first came to Chile, I have considered this country my own. I waited for 4 years for God to open the door to return here and now I get to live here for a loooooooooong time! 2. I have an awesome apartment. Really, my apartment is so comfortable. I've lived in so many places and the last few years I've begun to feel the need to "nest" and here I have it! I have a beautiful apartment and I love spending time in it. 3. I have a wonderful church! We are by no means perfect- and we know it! But we are striving to live out the gospel, to live a life worthy of the gospel, to serve one another. I am so blessed by the conversations that go on in our bible studies. 3a. I have an awesome pastor. My pastor Cristobal is really a gift from God for me. From him, I learn not only about the bible, but this guy has some serious gifts in leading groups of people. There are NUMEROUS times in our small group that someone says something that makes me think, "oh my goodness, how would I respond to that question/comment?" and I have learned so much from him in how to lead people. SO much. 4. I have a good job that offers a great schedule and the work isn't too bad. It's not what I LOVE doing (which is theology in both the academic and practical sense) but it's not too bad teaching English. I work for a quality institute and in a fun environment so I have no complaints. 5. I have always been drawn to various very diverse ministries. Orphans, women stuck in the sex industry, the gay/artist community, university students. And here I find that I have the opportunity to work in so many ways. In my church, I'm going to start teaching two of the younger girls (well, same age as me but younger in their faith) how to study the bible. This honestly is a dream come true. I moved into a building that is full of prostitutes. Little did I know that God was going to give me such an awesome place to minister. I live in this building with them. I take the elevator with them, deal with the same street noise, and when the elevator is broken we climb the stairs together. The the next building over, there are tons of peruvian immigrants. They are like the bottom of society. They come here, often illegally, to take the lowest jobs, for the lowest pay. And I get to live with them! I get to live here and be a part of these peoples' worlds. This is the kind of stuff that I dream about when I hear about people serving in different parts of asia or Africa. And I have it! Here! In Santiago. 6. I can see the Lord changing me each and every day, making me more and more like His son Jesus. I can feel Him ripping away my idols, one by one (and Lord knows I have a lot!) He is so faithful to me and He hasn't abandoned me at all. He has brought me here and is teaching me that "to live is Christ" means that I am alive to serve. My time, my money, everything in my life is for His purposes. What grand thoughts. And while I still spend a good amount of my life being self centered and selfish, I know that He is working in me His good and perfect will. AMEN! So yeah, these are the reasons I feel so very blessed right now.

visas and life here

2011-04-13T21:26:00.004+09:00

Yesterday was my 3 month mark. I didn't even realize it until this morning when I was thinking about the great and awesomeness that was yesterday- I GOT MY RESIDENCY VISA! That's right, for the next year, I will stay here on my temporary residency visa and then I can apply for my permanent residency visa. It feels great to have this stamp in my passport. POR FIN! To be honest though, it doesn't feel like it's been three months here. Three months is such a short time. I feel like I have been here for much much longer. It feels very much like home to me and even though there are still a lot of parts of the culture that I don't like, or appreciate, it nevertheless feels like it's where I am supposed to be. I've had to learn to extend grace to myself over these past few months. When living overseas, everyone has this idea of what their life will look like or should look like. And the failure of that vision is unavoidable. We won't ever adjust as much as we think we should, and our lives tend to be much more boring than we think an overseas life should be. But extending grace, allowing ourselves to take the waves as they come, this is the key to not just surviving, but living well.

more cabbage soup?

2011-04-12T02:03:00.002+09:00

Yes folks, that's right. I finished my cabbage soup diet, made myself a beautiful pancake topped with lots of syrup, had a candy bar, and decided that for dinner, I wanted more soup. Crazy. But this weekend, I was talking about food to my friend and we came upon the topic of korean food. She asked me if they really eat kimchi at every meal there. As I was explaining the importance of kimchi in Korean culture, I realized that my cabbage soup is quite like kimchi chigae (kimchi soup). Granted, the cabbage in my soup isn't fermented, but I make it in a red (tomato juice) sauce and I make sure it is nice and spicy. So in a lot of ways, a bowl of hot spicy cabbage soup is similar to one of my favorite Korean dishes. No wonder I've enjoyed it so much!

a good sign

2011-04-12T01:26:00.002+09:00

I live near a long thin park called Parque Forestal. It's really quite a nice park and it has a long stretch of a lane for riding bikes or jogging. And since I have a fear of riding bikes in this city, I jog. It's really pleasent. I usually listen to radioDisney on my mp3 player and jog along to Jonas Brothers, Beyonce, or Julieta Venegas. Great stuff. Yesterday on my jog I noticed that the trees were beginning to change. Fall has finally arrived and I am glad for the change. But as I was jogging through the falling leaves, I began to think about how much I like fall. And I had this special moment when I realized that I want to be here in Santiago, jogging through this park for many falls to come. After the past few weeks of cultural adjustment being a little more painful than normal, this was a nice thought to have.

Detox- Day 7 The finish line

2011-04-09T04:59:00.002+09:00

So I made it! I cheated a little. Yesterday I fried up two eggs for dinner, and I had a handful of peanuts the other day. But overall, it wasn't so bad. I think I might try to make the cabbage soup a more permanent part of my diet. Not that I want to spend days eating ONLY cabbage soup. But I think its a good way to get some extra veggies in my diet. I am definitly looking forward to eating sushi and chocolate. But during this week, I started going on runs. I looked into buying an eliptical machine for my apartment. And in general, I want to be smarter about what I eat. I love sugar. And Im not planning on giving it up permanently. But it was good to see that I could go a week without it. I've been reading a book called The Weigh Down Diet. The basic idea is that people who are overweight, are so because they eat more than their body needs. That they eat even when they aren't hungry, when their bodies don't need more food. I know I do it all the time. I eat when I'm bored mostly. But this book is all about figuring out when you are actually hungry, and only eating what your body needs. I like the book so far. The author is a dietician and she takes time to describe the digestion process. She's a christian and her book is based off the idea that our souls hunger for God which we understand as physical hunger and we overeat to compensate our lack of connection with God. Her hermaneutic is off. She uses verses to back up some of her claims that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. But in general, I like what she says. More than anything, I like the fact that it's forcing me to deal with my "boredom" eating. So for now, I'm going to enjoy life, some more soup, some chocolate, and maybe get myself an eliptical machine.

Detox- day 3

2011-04-05T02:48:00.002+09:00

It's still going well. I think adding the option for a hard boiled egg a day and some almonds made the whole thing much more doable. I still find myself hungry often, but I have also found that most of my issue is psychological. I want other food, but I'm actually fine. I eat my cabbage soup at least twice a day and I'm trying to limit the fruit I have each day to only 2 or 3. Today in class was a challenge. Not only was I hungry, but all of my students decided that they wanted to talk about food. I always ask my students how their weekends were. I ask them about what they did, etc. Well, today, as they shared about their weekends, they described the food the ate. Seriously, they all wanted to talk about the food they ate. In all 5 of my classes, this was the topic of the day. And I found myself craving BB when they talked about BBQ, wanting sushi when they shared about their favorite sushi spot in town, and just in general, wanting food! Oh well. I might have to take more control over the conversation next time.

Detox- day 2

2011-04-04T01:46:00.002+09:00

Well, I think it's too early to tell how it's going but I feel ok. I went to bed hungry but not willing to eat any more soup (that's what I get for eating 3 bowls in one afternoon!) I woke up and had an apple and an egg. I still couldn't bring myself to eat any soup. It's a beautiful sunny day here so I went for a walk. It turned out to be a two hour walk and by the time I got home, I was really hungry. Soup sounded just right! I added some Peruvian yellow aji (pepper) paste to the soup which made it a delightful spicy soup. I do have a headache, which might be from the detox, or possibly from the seasonal allergies that a lot of people have now. I went to my friend Mauro's house last night. I thought a bunch of us were going, but there was some confusion and people decided not to go. But I went. I had been nervous about going to a party with this detox thing going on. It's really socially unacceptable to not eat or drink at a party. And don't try to explain what you're doing because the concept of healthy eating here is non existent. They have diets, and tons of women go on diets weekly. But the diets tend to be more abusive than healthy. Like thinking that an appropriate diet is to just drink diet coke until dinnertime. Not helpful. So it was nice that it was just Mauro and me so I could avoid the mass group interrogation of why I was only drinking water. Another gringa friend Natalie, an Aussie who is doing missionary volunteer work, came by and the three of us spent the night playing card games and drinking water. Let's just say, this was quite a bit different than a normal chilean party. So overall I am doing ok. I'm hungry, but ok. The real challenge will come when I go to work and I have to be in class all morning. There's no microwave at work, nor really a space for eating food. So let the challenge begin!

Time for a detox- Day 1

2011-04-03T08:10:00.004+09:00

My dad is the most self disciplined man I know. Seriously, I defy any of you to surpass him in self discipline. And he makes it look so easy! But sadly I did NOT get the self discipline gene. No, I'm quite the opposite and I've been pretty convicted by the Lord recently on my lack of self control. I can see it in various areas of my life, but it became most evident in my addiction to sugar. I just can't say no! I've been thinking about how I want to do a makeover on my general diet. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to just moderate the sugar in my diet. First, I would need a detox. I know someone who does this cabbage diet every once in a while. So I looked into it and decided it just might be the best way to detox from sugar. I read all the different recipes out there, found one that I could make here (things like V8 juice and lipton soup don't exist here!). I added some brown rice to the soup and I think I might allow some hard boiled eggs into the diet. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous. I crave sugar. I love sugar. But I also realize that I don't want to be controlled by food. Last night I made a huge pot of cabbage stew. It's chalk full of veggies: cabbage (obviously!), green onions, greenish orangish peppers, carrots, zucchini, and tomatoes. Mix in a few spices and I'm ready to go! I hosted a pancake breakfast for some gringa friends this morning. It was a preplanned unavoidable (and delicious!) event. But besides my two pancakes, I've kept to the soup. It's gone ok today. It took me a while to fill up on the soup, but after 3 bowls of it, I met my limit and went for an hour walk to help digest the mountain of veggies. Each day will probably be a challenge. I'll want my sugar fix. But it's only a week and then I can move into a well rounded healthy diet. So... vamos!

"You're sick? You need..."

2011-03-30T05:24:00.003+09:00

Yep, that's right. I'm sick again. I basically will get anything that goes around so when a few of my friends got a virus, I knew it was only a matter of time. Friday evening it happened upon me. I pulled my blanket over to the couch and made myself comfortable. Sleeping on the couch is one of my FAVORITE things. I recently mentioned my love for napping on the couch. But I reserve overnight sleeping on the couch for when I am sick. I turn the tv on and let it keep me company as I doze through the night. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday on my couch. The truth was that I couldnt do anything else. The virus wasn't too bad, I felt feverish but had no temperature. I had the aches and pains of a fever, but not the chills. Really, the worst part of the virus was that it completely wiped me of any energy. Even making it the 5 steps to my kitchen area to refill my tea was exhausting. Monday night I made it to work and though it was beyond tiring, I was able to rest a bit before our leadership training meeting for church Monday night. At the meeting one of my friends told me that I should be drinking coke if I am sick. He was dead serious. The rest of the chileans laughed about it, but it seemed like they didn't really disagree. Now, this is coming from a culture where they literally put coke in their infants' bottles. I am not joking. I tried to explain that the sugar in coke isn't good for you when you are trying to fight off a virus. They jokingly answered that diet coke would solve that problem. But that's not all. I went to work today and was sharing with one of my students that I am sick. He also offered his counsel on what would help. Beer. Yep. He said that I should drink beer with lemon. I asked him how it would possibly help me to drink beer and he answered that it would put me to sleep. Yeah, I'm exhausted as it is, I don't need any help in that deptartment. So I think I'll stick with my tea. At least for now.

Highlights and lowlights

2011-03-21T10:09:00.002+09:00

In case you were wondering, no, Im not going to talk about getting my hair done.
No today's post is more of a catch up post. Stuff that's happened this week. Kinda boring, but I guess boring is better than some other options.

The bigger random non-personal things:

There were a few earthquakes this week. The biggest one was 5.7 and I felt it comfortably from my apartment. I'm weird I know, but I kinda like earthquakes. As long as they aren't damaging, they are kinda fun.
There was a bomb scare in the building across the street from my apartment this week. I came from work and found the street blocked off. Evidently there was an annonymous call about a bomb being planted in the building and the precautionary measures were taken.
This morning I was surprised to hear a bunch of racket outside. I looked out the window and saw what looked like something between a parade and a protest. I enjoyed watching them walk by but couldn't hear well enough to understand anything they were saying. I later saw on the news that it was a protest against the arrival of Obama this week. Yep, the whole Obama family is coming to Chile this week (yay Michelle!!!) and a few chileans were upset about it.

Some more personal things:

I was kinda sick this week. I felt weak on Tuesday and luckily my evening classes cancelled and I could just go home and sleep. The rest of the week I took it easy and tried to stay home and rest as much as possible.
Which brings me to a fun thing to share. Totally random, but one of my FAVORITE things in life is taking naps in the sun on comfy couches. Now that the drama with my couch has died down, I can enjoy the blessings of the Lord, namely, my wonderful sofa. It's right next to the window, so when I nap, I have the "fresh" air (air is far from fresh here in Santiago!) and the sunshine right on my face. I've had the chance to come home a few afternoons in time for a nap. Yum.

And even more personal:
God has been using culture shock to deal with some issues in my heart. My desire for the approval of others, my fear of being alone and helpless, my fierce and stubborn pride. These things are only exasperated by being here. It's weird because I don't really remember hitting this kind of culture shock in other countries. I think the knowledge that I was in a country short term, and the presence of more gringos in my life made the reality of living in another culture less threatening.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to come home (sorry Grandma!) I don't really miss life in the states. I know that life there is great for some people, but I don't feel at home in the culture there. In fact, because I am indeed gringa, when I am in the states, and I feel uncomfortable, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be comfortable there. It ends up being a vicious cycle of discomfort and guilt. Not a good way to live. Here, at least when I feel discomfort, I don't feel guilt. I have a lot more grace for myself.
So all that is to say, I know I'm here and I'm supposed to be here. But it doesn't lessen the process of dealing with being in a different culture.
One of the biggest changes I have noticed is that I am quite introverted. I'm not saying I'm shy. Just introverted. I crave alone time much more than I crave people time. Maybe it's a permanent change since the depression. Maybe this is an actual chemical change in me. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm living in a country that doesn't recognize a need for alone time. So most people think its odd to spend the day alone. I think it's a combination of both factors. And maybe a few more. Either way, I'm very very grateful for my apartment.

So that's the update. I'm going to try to be more faithful to update this blog. But for now, goodnight friends.

frustration, sofas, and the desires that arise

2011-03-08T10:09:00.003+09:00

Today was one of those days when I wish I had a husband. No, it's not Valentines Day. Nope, today was the day my sofa finally arrived. Well, it arrived to the lobby below, where the delivery guy politely informed me that it wouldn't fit in the elevator, so they wouldn't be bringing it to my apartment. Now, before I get ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.

I bought the sofa a month ago. They told me it would arrive on the 19th of Feb. I waited all day Feb 19th for the sofa to arrive. Nothing. A few days later I recieved a string of phone calls. None of them helpful, but all of them saying that someone else would call me to set up an appointment to have my sofa delivered. So I finally went back to the store and had them call the delivery company. They said it would come the following Saturday.

So I waited in my apartment. Finally I had to leave because I had a commitment to attend to, so I left my keys with the consierge. I got a phone call a while later from the delivery company. They were at my building, but the elevator wasn't working so they weren't going to bring up my sofa. Someone will call me later to make a new appointment. At this point imagine me very angry trying to explain to the guy on the phone that I will NOT wait another day for my sofa. Too bad, so sad, I had no other choice.

They called, and said it would come that Monday. Then they called again, no it won't. It will come on Saturday. I told them it better come before 12pm because I would NOT be waiting in my apartment all day, just waiting for them to come. Oh but I was. Yep, I waiting from 9am to 9pm. So come Monday, today, when I got off work, I went over to the store, AGAIN, and asked to speak to the manager. She apologized and after 20 mins of being on the phone with the delivery company, they finally got it arranged for them to come tonight, sometime after 9pm.

And now, you've all been brought up to speed on the situation. Hence, I'm sitting in my apartment, on the verge of tears from just general exhaustion and not feeling well, And I'm waiting for the two consierges to bring up my sofa.

It's moments like this that I wish I had a husband. I wish I had someone else to take care of all of this. Not even that he would have to do all of it, or do it always, but I wish I just had someone to share the burden with me. Someday, hopefully, maybe.

Some culture shock reflections

2011-02-28T06:51:00.002+09:00

I think Im in a bit of culture shock. There are supposed to be two waves of culture shock (or so said my prof in uni). The first is that initial one, usually the first few months in a country, where everything is new and you don't understand much of what goes on around you. The second one is a bit more subtle, it happens a year or two into your stay in a foreign culture and it has less to do with not understanding what is happening, and m,ore to do with understanding but not feeling comfortable in what is happening. I am there. I understand fairly well chilean culture. And Im not so much homesick for another culture, because I still love it here. But I am definitely aware of how different I am. I am much more comfortable with being alone. Anyways, this week, some of those differences came out and I took some time to write down some reflections:

Tonight (Friday night) was a night of reflection. I learned some new lessons tonight, saw some realities about my life here as a foreigner, and realized how much I have changed over the past few years. It all began last night when I was coming home from work and ran into my friend Mauro and some of his friends. It was 9:30pm and they were just starting their night. Yes, just starting. A Thursday night. And yes, they DID have to work the next day. I gave them every excuse in the book about why I couldn’t go out. I said no over and over. But evidently that campaign that “no means no” never made it over here. They whined and pleaded for 30 minutes while we sat in a café, begging me to come out with them to the bar down the street. Finally, with them literally pulling my arms, I agreed to come in a for a little. I told them that I was leaving them at 11pm to go to bed. Of course that didn’t happen. At 12am, I finally left and headed home. But before I left, we planned that we would hang out at Mauro’s apartment tonight, since it was Friday night. I told them I would invite the rest of our friends. This morning, I followed through with the plans. I invited all our friends over. To be honest, I didn’t really want to go out. I wanted to be home, trying out a recipe I found for carrot bread. So when no one seemed able to go, and the very person who had peer pressured me into this whole thing pulled out, I sighed a breath of relief and headed to the supermarket to get my much desired ingredients.
At home, I mixed and poured all the ingredients, set the dish in the oven and pulled The Mission of God by CJ Wright off my shelf. I settled in bed with my book and waited for the bread to bake. I began to think about how much I had changed. Maybe it’s because I am here in Chile where they loath being alone. Maybe it’s because this is my second year living alone. Maybe it’s just the fact that I have the most awesome apartment and why would I ever want to leave it. But I realized tonight, I would SO rather be at home baking and reading than be out. I had Taylor Swift playing in the background (don’t just me!) and I was singing along and dancing as I baked and cleaned. It was truly a perfect evening.
Just when I though the evening was about over, my phone rang. It was midnight. I know, you’re thinking, who would call at midnight? Well, here, midnight is just the beginning of a Friday night. It was my friend Mauro and his friends. They were outside my apartment building and they wanted me to go out with them. No. I laughed when the pleading began. I knew that I wasn’t going out tonight. I was already in my pajamas and I was just waiting for my bread to finish and then it was off to sleep for me. They told me they were gonna come up and say hi and that they would then convince me to go out with them. I gave them permission to come up but warned them that I would not being leaving with them. They were up in a few minutes, just in time for some fresh from the oven carrot bread, and the pleading continued. I explained to them that I was not going out. That I am a gringa, and I need more sleep than them. After an hour, they left.
I love my life here. I feel very comfortable here. I know I am where I am supposed to be, but it’s nights like tonight that remind me that I am certainly not chilena. I may think I want to be chilena, but it is an undeniable reality that I am not.
I was explaining this to my grandma. I was telling her that I was nervous about hosting things at my house since people tend to stay very late. She asked about making it clear that people have to leave at a certain hour. I explained that here it was rude to do so. She then pointed out that in the states it is rude to stay so late at someone’s house. It is not often that there is such an obvious difference in cultures, but here is a prime example. There it is rude to overstay your welcome. Here it is rude to kick people out. Come 4 or 5am, maybe you can start to hint. I will just have to be wise about how often I host these gatherings in my house.

Baking with Becka

2011-02-28T06:16:00.003+09:00

I was randomly craving some carrot muffins, so I looked up a recipe online, it seemed easy enough, and I went at it.

Mixing all the ingredients together

Trying to keep the kitchen clean

Waiting with anticipation..... and....

Done and DELICIOUS!

Thoughts on grace and community

2011-02-18T01:01:00.000+09:00

I’ve been listening to a bunch of sermons on unity in the church and they have been reminding me of a topic that Ashlee and I discussed recently. We were talking about the need to be in community in order to experience grace. If you’re a Christian, you believe that you have received the grace of God. You believe that His grace has some power in your life, and maybe you even feel at peace in your soul. This is good, and I need to be careful not to diminish the true experience of the grace of God.
But I am not writing this blog post to just affirm our supernatural experience of grace. I am writing to call us to live courageously in community. It is in the community of the Church, among those who have received the eternal grace of Jesus Christ, that you can experience grace here on earth.
There is a movement of people my age that believe that they can be Christ followers on their own. While I will agree that it is possible, I also argue that it is not normative. It is not how God wants His people to live. He has called us into a very chaotic mess that we call the Church. I know, the Church is messy and more often than not, she’s just plain ugly. And yet somehow, we are supposed to live in this body of believers that God has constructed on the chief cornerstone of Jesus Christ (Eph 2:20-22).
Our natural tendency is self protection, self preservation. But if have been hidden in Christ, if we have been crucified and it is no longer we who live, but Christ who lives in us, we have freedom to love deeply and self sacrificially (Gal 2:20). We read in Ephesians 4 that we are supposed to grow up in Him, putting on our new selves, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of truth. And this whole process of growing up isn’t just so we can benefit alone. The verses that immediately follow the command to grow up in Christ, tell us how to live in community. We are supposed to be little christs to each other. We are supposed to speak the truth in love. To forsake bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander (vs.31). In other words, to extend grace to each other. We have been forgiven much, so we can forgive. Remember the story of the servants who had been forgiven by the king? And one of them, who had been forgiven a huge debt, then went and demanded a small debt from his fellow servant. When the fellow servant couldn’t pay it, he was thrown into jail. When the king found out, he took the greedy servant and condemned him. We have received mercy for much, so we should extend mercy.
You might say, ok, sure, I can extend mercy. But what I have learned over the past year is that while we often think we are ready to extend mercy and grace to each other, we rarely put ourselves in situations that demand this of us. We might have one or two relationships that are close enough that demand grace on a regular basis. Family, spouses, maybe a best friend. But we keep this to a limited number so our need to exercise the spiritual disciple of grace extending is rare.
But back to the Church. Jesus calls us into community. A really messy community filled with sinners. Heck, I’m one of the worst. And you know what happens in a community of sinners? People sin against each other. A lot. When we think of sin, we usually think of “big” ones like murder and adultery. But the closer you get to someone, the more you realize that those “little” sins can really hurt too. When people cheat, lie, or steal. Sure, we know that kind of stuff can hurt. But I don’t do those really obvious sins too often (or do I?) What about selfishness and pride? Philippians 2:3-5 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interest, but also for the interests of others. Have this same attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus”. We don’t realize how big these “little” sins are until they are being done against us.
Last year, at my church in Seoul, our community was really tight. We were a few dozen people, living life together. And we sinned against each other a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I put myself before others, how many times I considered myself better than others. And they did it to me too. We put our own needs before the needs of others. We were unloving, unkind, and self centered. But one of the beautiful outcomes of this situation was that we were constantly needing to extend grace to each other. Sometimes it was easier than others. But extending grace to someone who has sinned against you is usually just hard. It forces you to look back at the gospel, to the cross, to see the display of God’s grace to you. It’s only then that you can truly and freely give grace to your brother.
And so there is deep blessing in community. It’s there, in a cross centered community, that you actually experience grace here on earth. Not some abstract grace that you know is there, but you can’t see. The grace that comes from living in community is a tangible and poignant grace. It hits you like a wave. It’s hard to give, and incredible to receive. But this is the Gospel. By the blood of Jesus on the cross, we get to taste the reality of heaven now. Things like forgiveness and restoration aren’t just for some distant future. They are part of our lives today. They aren’t easy to get, living in community is hard work. It can be frustrating and discouraging. But we live in the reality that we are hidden in Jesus and that in Him we have all things.

a Valentines Day adventure

2011-02-16T03:10:00.003+09:00

Short version:
Yesterday was Valentines Day. I took a trip out to a little surfer beach town and spent the day wandering around by myself. I ended up spending some time with a random guy who was hoping to make me his valentine. I wasnt interested, and was grateful that God gave me the grace and wisdom not to be foolish. In the end, I found myself breathing a prayer of gratitude, thanking God that He really is enough for me. Of course a valentine would have been nice, but I don't need to make anything happen. I have all I need in Jesus, and in His timing, a valentine will come.

Long version:
Yesterday was Valentines Day. The holiday is really annoying when I live in the States, there is all this pressure to have a date, to do something with someone, or if all else fails, to have an anti Valentines Day party. In Korea, it was so outrageous that I was able to almost just laugh off the holiday (they extend the madness into three holidays stretching over 2 months!)

It's actually not that bad here in Chile. Granted, since most people live with their parents, a lot of yougn couples go to the public parks to make out and do what they can't quite do at home. This is uncomfortable, but that's year long. When it comes to V-day, there are a few more stands with red roses, and heart shaped candy boxes, but it is far from the madness that goes on in the states.

So yesterday I decided that I would venture out of Santiago. I didn't have any responsibilities and I knew that if I didn't I would just sit around my house lazily doing nothing. So I got up early and headed toward the bus terminal. I knew of a town called Pichilemu and figured that yesterday was as good as any day to head over there and check it out. Pichilemu is known for being a small hippie surfing town. It's not too far on a map from Santiago, so I figured it would be about a 3 hour bus ride. Which is would be, if the bus went directly there. But as we went along and stopped at every little town, I soon realized that it would be more like 5-6 hours on the bus. So I arrived at 2:30pm. I was thinking that I would go in the morning, spend the day there and then come back on the last bus. When I arrived, I went directly to the ticket counter to find out when the last bus would leave. Sadly, there were no more tickets left for the day. Ok.... So change of plans. I bought a ticket for 5:30am the next morning and set out to find a place to spend the night. Everything was too expensive. I knew that it was Valentines Day, and I had kinda thought to myself that maybe this was a little retreat with God... a little date. But as I walked around this town I knew nothing about, I felt anxious about my situation. What would I do if I couldn't find a reasonable place to stay? Try to find a bar that stayed open till 4am and then head over to the bus terminal? I had to force myself to chill and trust that God was going to provide. After all, this was a date.

And sure enough, God provided. I found a little hostal that would give me a bed for fairly cheap. I went upstairs in the hostal to see the room. And as I was in the hallway, I saw a guy go into another room. He paused when he saw me, and I could tell he was interested. I, on the other hand, was not interested. He was cute and all, but I was looking forward to spending the day alone on the beach. Well, with God.

So I just ignored the interested look and went on my merry way. I went to the beach for a while, laid out on my towel and enjoyed the scene of hundreds of families crowded on a small black sand beach. After an hour or so, I got up and walked along the beach to the other end of town (it's a small town) and wandered through the feria artensial. Very hippie.

I headed back to the hostal, took a quick nap, and decided to get a little more adventure. I took a bus to a surfers point a few miles down the road and watched little kids get surfing lessons. THe sun was gonna set soon, so I headed back to town, got some pollo y papas fritas, and sat on the grass to watch the sunset. I pulled out my bible and settled in for a nice time of devotion. After a while though, I noticed that everyone that walked by was staring. Maybe it was because I read sitting on the grass alone. Maybe it was because I was reading my bible. Maybe it was because my shoes were off and chileans are funny about bare feet. Probably it was a combination of all of the above.

So I packed up the rest of my chicken and french fries, which was still a lot of food, and headed back toward my hostal. I saw a homeless man and offered him my leftovers. He was really confused and started offering me money for it (granted it was like 40cents he was offering). I stopped him and explained it was a gift. That I just wanted to share it with him. He finally understood.

I headed over to the hostal, tired, but unwilling to call it a night. It was getting really cold, and I realized how glad I was that I had thought to bring my sweatshirt. I walked around the town, watched part of a concert in the plaza, and finally around 11pm, headed back for the hostal. I planned on waking up at 4ish to wash up and walk over to the bus terminal by 5ish.

I got ready and went downstairs to the lobby to wait till it was time to walk over. I felt really dirty (given been at the beach and walking around all day without a change of clothes, nor a toothbrush!) and I was ready to just be on a bus on my way home. Who then should come back to the hostal at this time, but Mr. interested.

He decided, along with the owner of the hostal, that it wasn't right for me to walk alone to the bus terminal. He asked if he could accompany me. I shrugged my shoulders. Of course it would be nice to have some company, especially guy company since it was still dark outside and who knows what kind of shenanagins are going on outside. But, I didn't want to give this guy the wrong impression. I would not be making out with him on the way over to the bus terminal. So I shrugged my shoulders. He took that as enough affirmation and we left to head to the bus terminal. Being about 5am, there were quite a few people on the street, heading home from their parties. It was nice to have a guy there just in case anyone thought it would be fun to bother me. But then, there was the problem of the guy himself. I knew he was interested in me, and while he was generally good looking, and seemingly nice, I was sure that I wasn't interested. I know that if I ever end up with a guy, it will be the Lord's doing. Not some guy that has nothing to do with the Lord. So when we arrived at the bus terminal, and he made it clear that he was gonna stay with me until my bus left, I tried to very politely but clearly let him know that I was not interested. He continued in his pursuits. At one point he told me I had beautiful eyes. Now remember that I have not had any makeup on for 2 days, I haven't showered or brushed my teeth, and it is 5am. I straight out told him no. I told him that I didnt want him to say that. Another 20 minutes of pursuit and my bus was ready to board. We hugged goodbye and I got on my bus, grateful to move on.
Once on board, I breathed a sigh of relief. I found myself gratefully thanking God that He is enough for me. That I dont have to be desperate for a man, because my soul is satisfied in Him. I felt so blessed in that moment. The past few years there have been some difficult vdays. I haven't always been grateful that the Lord is enough. So it was a nice relief to find that God has been growing me in His grace, teaching me to find my satisfaction in Him.
And that folks, is the loooong story.

Valpo con las chicas (y mi hermano, que suerte!)

2011-02-14T05:34:00.002+09:00

La Magda y yo

The group as we waited for our bus to return to Santiago

hermano mio

2011-02-14T05:15:00.002+09:00

My brother came for the weekend. He's been travelling around South America for a month or so and decided to come pay his sister a visit. We spent Friday in Santiago and headed out to Vina and Valpo for the weekend. Here are a few photos to share with you...

La casa de Pablo Neruda.

I love Valpo, especially the colors and street art.

My brother, the photographer

We found an awesome place for some Peruvian food, which was the winner for both of us in the cuisine category.

27 going on 14

2011-02-05T04:21:00.002+09:00

Some of you may know, that for all the maturity in my life, I have some definite moments of little girl-ness. Take my taste in music. I have some major teeny bopper music on my ipod. Also, in terms of tv, shows like One Tree Hill and Vampire Diaries are at the top of my list. And this week a new girliness has popped up. There is this cafe that I love and it was definitly part of my daydream while I was planning my return to Chile. So I have begun to come here quite a bit (I am in fact sitting at this very cafe as I write). In my multi-weekly visit to this cafe, I have become recognizable face to the waiters. I think they sense my gringaness and they haven't tried to really talk to me yet. Except one. Here is where I become a 14 year old girl. There is one waiter who I one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen. Just pure ol' eye candy. And to make matters worse, he is really nice and always smiles at me. One time, he tried to talk to me, asking me if I liked the lemonade that I was drinking. I fumbled over my words and stuttered something incoherent about liking the drink and then in pure embarrassment, I just looked down and let him walk away. I have a pretty good idea that he is gay (most of the waiters at this cafe are) but I still hold out hope. Hope that he's not. Hope that he will come back and try to talk to me again. Hope that I can rise above the girlishness and be the mature woman that I am. Ha, yeah right.

same, same, but different

2011-01-30T16:02:00.002+09:00

It's 3:30am and I just got home. I went to a house party with some friends from the new church plant I've joined. I don't have much to share except some ramblings about how this experience here is quite different from my time here before. I am still mentally working through a lot of what I am experiencing here. It is much slower and sweeter than my life has been over the last while. Life here has more to do with "buena onda" (having a good time) and less to do with making a big deal out of all the little things that press around is.
One of the ways I experienced the difference tonight was in the culture I live in. Not the greater culture of Chile, but the subculture that I live in here. Before most of my friends lived with their parents and were still in full time studies. But now, the people I am hanging out with are older. In fact, I tend to be the youngest in our group. Which is a really nice change. I am moving into my own apartment on Tuesday, and I need to buy a lot before it's really ready to be home. First on the list: bed and fridge. But I'm so excited to have this apartment and to get to host stuff at my apartment. My church is just around the corner and my prayer is that God would use this apartment to bless people and to do His work in our neighborhood. And that I might be able to really love the church, to serve them, and to do life with them. Buena onda... buena onda.

the cursed blessing

2011-01-27T11:35:00.003+09:00

This week has been a prime example of the stressful freedom that comes with singleness. I remember the first few years after college, my girlfriends and I used to lament that we wished we had husbands who could help direct our lives. There were too many open doors, too many possibilities, too many options in life. How were we supposed to choose? If we had husbands, surely our lives (or actually, just decision making) would be substantially much easier.

Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians, "The one who is not married is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he can please the Lord."(1 Cor 7:32)

I have seen over this past year the incredible blessing of being unmarried. I got to serve in a way that was in many ways unhindered. My schedule was infinitely more flexible. I didn't have to worry about making two schedules fit into one. I didn't have to worry about a lot of things, really. I felt the reality of this counsel from Paul and I appreciated it.
But there is a slightly ugly side to this freedom. It was expressed in our post graduation desires for husbands. Sometimes, making decisions for your life is hard. These past two weeks have been filled with apartment hunting. And before you think, "oh how fun" let me assure you, it is one of the more frustrating processes I have to go through in this transition.
First of all, I don't really qualify to rent an apartment here since it is standard to show proof of (chilean) income from the last 6 months. So.... that leaves me trying to bribe the landlords with deals of paying half the year's rent up front.
Second, apartments here are more diverse and random than anything I have experienced before. There are so many factors to take into consideration. Factors that dont even exist in Chile, so I wont bother going into detail. But for example, some of the apartments use gas to heat water. Which is fine when it is a central line that brings gas into your apartment. But some apartments dont have that line, and you have to get this big tank that is full of gas (I guess) and when it runs out, you have to go exchange it. This also means you have to manually turn on and light the water heater each time you want to have hot water. The apartment I am staying in now uses this system. I don't really want to have this system (mainly because I am too lazy to flip 3 switches and light a match each time I want to take a shower!)
I found an apartment last night that I adore! And I spent the day fighting for it. Seriously, I took a 30 minute bus ride to the rental office and demanded that they deal with me and not blow me off. And it worked, I think they will offer me the apartment tomorrow. And I want it. I think. There are parts of it that Im not crazy about. The building for example, is dirty at best. The elevator is sketchy beyond measure. And Im not crazy about the street it's on. But the apartment itself is one of the most beautiful apartments that I've seen in this country. And it's a good price. All these pros and cons. And I wish I had someone making this decision with me. But then again, as stressful as it may feel, it is freedom. I am choosing this apartment because it's big enough to host small groups at my house. It's a few blocks from the church plant that I am a part of here. And I think it would be an awesome asset for our church. So... thanks Paul for the encouragement. Being single and making decisions is more stressful than it looks, but perhaps it's also less complicated too.
Being single is a cursed blessing. Indeed.

PS- If you want to see pics of the apartment, try this website.

Mi pais

2011-01-19T09:51:00.002+09:00

I don't start work for another week or so... so I walk. I walk all around my favorite parts of Santiago. I took the subway quite a bit away and then walked home from there. It was about 2 hours of walking, and I loved it. I love the architecture here. I love the buildings, and the streets, and of course, the castles. Yep. There actually aren't many, but there is one just a block away from my current apartment. It's called Santa Lucia and its a beautiful yellow castle with gardens all around it. It is quite possibly my favorite place in the world. Anyways, I'll share more later, but for now just a quick note to say, I like living here. I like living in Chile, in Santiago, in el centro. I like the life here. There are parts of it that I just am not there yet. Like the way they take long long vacations... but I'll get there. I'm determined to get there. Slowly but surely, this is mi pais.

Hello Chile

2011-01-14T20:23:00.003+09:00

I arrived safe and sound on Wednesday. I got into the airport at about 6:30am and made it to the apartment by 8am. I am renting a room from a couple who lives in a decent sized apartment near my favorite neighborhood.

I spent my first two days walking around, buying things I need, and enjoying the city.

I put together a little list of the things about Chile that I love. This list is in no way exhaustive, but to give you a little taste of my life here.

Most condiments come in little bags. Jam, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise. At first this was awkward to me. My little bag of jam would spill out in the fridge and I was left with a gooey raspberry mess to clean up. But I learned to appreciate the little bags. I especially appreciate the fact that I can be very lazy and only use one knife to spread all my condiments without worry of double dipping.
I love the bread here. It’s fresh. You buy it from these big wood basins and you pick out whatever pieces you want, put them in a bag, and pay less than 10 cents per roll.
Families spend a lot of time together here. With all the intense heat, the streets are filled with people trying to get some relief by sitting in the shade. The streets here are truly a public hang out place.
My last point leads me to think about all the benches in the streets. There were almost no benches in Seoul. Sure, a park might have one or two, but here the streets are lined with them, and they are covered with people. Everyone from young families playing with their children, to grandmas and grandpas eating ice cream, to my favorite, the unmarried couples who still live with their parents and hence use the public benches to make out.
I love the eye contact everyone makes here. I love how much I get to look people in the eyes and smile at them. Sounds silly, but it’s true.

goodbye San Francisco

2011-01-14T19:30:00.004+09:00

I guess waking up too early and not being able to fall back asleep is a good time for posting on my blog. I am finally back in Chile. It feels strange, I don't feel as "excited" as maybe I expected to feel. But I do feel completely at ease and at home. Four years hasn't done much to diminish my love for this place. But before I get into all that, I want to take a minute and say a few words about San Francisco. I've barely lived in San Francisco, especially as an adult. But it is in many ways "home" to this wandering girl. I like the art that happens there, the communities that form there, and of course above all, I love the weather. Cold in the morning which warms up to a nice pleasant afternoon and then cool in the evenings. And except for some small rainy seasons, that is basically it all year long.

Before I left, I borrowed my dad's car just before sunrise and took some photos of some of my favorite spots in the city. Here are a few I took of the Castro District. (As you can probably tell, I have a thing for photos in sepia)

2010-11-25T15:46:00.003+09:00

Stuck in the car in traffic... a great opportunity to bust out the camera!

for silly boards...

and random signs...

why not a bulldozer?

my pops

and my sister busting butt in capoeira!

Why I love my grandma

2010-11-23T14:49:00.000+09:00

Why I love California

2010-11-23T14:02:00.002+09:00

The back of my dad's car was a perfect little cave to sit in while I watched the sun set over the ocean...

And it sure was a beautiful view!

Ingathering

2010-11-16T02:01:00.002+09:00

This weekend was blast from the past. Growing up in the Jews for Jesus community meant that I got to go to an annual family camp called Ingathering. Each year for 4 days, a bunch of Jews for Jesus people go out to the gorgeous Santa Cruz mountains and have a time of worship, fellowship, and in good ol' Jewish style, noshing (that means eating). I haven't been since high school so when my dad invited me to join him for the camp this weekend, I jumped at the opportunity. It was definitly a trip. I got to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in over 10 years, and I got to meet new people who richly blessed me with sharing part of their life stories. I've begun to see how the Lord has changed me over the past year. Coming out of that depression, spending half a year in my own solitude, it left me much more comfortable with spending time alone. I find myself more willing to listen to people, less needing to react to comments that I don't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I am still quite argumentative in general. But as I heard people talk, battles I would run to fight in the past, I can see the Lord filling me with grace to sit through it and listen. And I am learning to hear beyond the small points I don't agree with. And I find myself really blessed by what people share with me.
Anyways, it was fun. I heard stories from grandparents. I encouraged some college students. I even got to play with some babies. It was a sweet welcome home.

Some goodbye photos from Korea

2010-11-11T12:02:00.003+09:00

My amazing friend Betsy. We went out with James, Jonathan, and Chris for some beer as a celebration of my finishing my job and Jonathan starting his.

My last night in Korea, out with a bunch of friends. Here we have Jeff and Joanna- two of my favorites!

My "husband" Chris with a pretty mirror I gave him. This photo makes me giggle...

At my goodbye party, everyone playing a game... but not me... :)

Top Ten reverse culture shocks

2010-11-10T03:41:00.002+09:00

I've been in the states for almost 24 hours now. I've cried on and off for the past 48 hours. I feel like this huge welt of sadness is sitting under a very thin verneer of "ok"ness. So whenever people ask me "How are you doing" or "How was Korea?" they scratch a hole and I can feel tears well up in my eyes.
Anyways, the last 24 hours have been a shock to the system, so thought I would share with you some of the fun reverse culture shock I've been experiencing.

In the last 24 hours, these have been my biggest shocks:
10. How open and spacious the skyline is.
9. How empty the streets are
8. On one block I passed a young black woman, a latino couple, and an old asian man.
7. People keep making eye contact with me
6. I’ve had to stop myself from saying “annyeonghikaseyo” and “kamsahamnida”
5. Everyone around me is speaking English or Spanish
4. I can buy all the most awesome food all the time!!!
3. I don’t know how to pack a purse for the day. What am I supposed to carry in my wallet? I don’t need my tmoney card or my ARC? I do need my American driver’s license? Weird.
2. I don’t know how to dress. It’s sunny, but it’s cold. It’s not snowing… and it’s not a monsoon…. What am I supposed to wear?
1. Why does no one reek of kimchi???

Leaving Korea (a long debrief)

2010-11-10T03:39:00.000+09:00

Yesterday marked another big transition in my life. I moved away from Korea. Those of you faithful readers can attest to my consistent mixed feelings toward the country. Those confusing feelings were only heightened as I left. When I first arrived in Korea, I was grateful to be in a country full of strangers. I relished my time away from any semblance of reality. I just wanted to be alone and Korea was the perfect place for that. And God used that place to heal me from some major pains and to draw me close to Him. By January, I was feeling a little more ready to face the world. And it was at that time that God led me to Covenant Church. My first Sunday there was like a breath of sweet fresh air. I knew that I had found my “home” in Korea. Sure enough, things moved quickly from there. I found myself delving deep into relationships with people there. And even thought I had spent the last 6 months avoiding all relationships, I loved it.
The church was growing. When I first came, there were maybe 30 of us. Then 40. Then 50. By summer, we were filling out the sanctuary with almost 70 people each week. My social butterflyness was welcomed and the church made me the official welcomer. I joined a small group and was eventually asked to be colead it with the leader Chris, who would become one of my closest brothers. The pastor’s wife approached me and asked if I would want to start an accountability group with her and a few other women. Of course. After about a month, she handed the leadership of the group over to me. This group would eventually give birth to a bigger idea of how women in the church could be discipled. In that group I got to know deeply a woman named Betsy. She is a few years younger than me, but full of wisdom and compassion. She and her husband James moved to Korea in February to teach and my friendship with them is one of the sweetest parts of my life in Korea. My roots were running deep in the community there. Every newcomer was welcomed by me, and I found the Lord using my social skills to help build a community at Covenant.
I had found a church that let me serve to my full capacity. So many churches would say that they wanted people like me, people jumped at the bit to serve. But logistically, there were too many hoops to jump through and too much bureaucracy to overcome. Many pastors, especially of church plants, hold the reigns of their church tightly. They struggle with micromanagement and have a hard time letting people run along in ministry. But Pastor Jae had no such issue. Covenant was too small for hoops, and Jae was too lax to squash people’s desires in ministry. Anyone who wanted to serve in Covenant, as long as their vision fit in Covenant’s mission to be a gospel centered church in the city, were given blessing to move ahead. So when I realized the need for a class to help women understand how to read the Old Testament, I was given an immediate green light. This was once again, my dream come true. We ended up meeting for 6 Sundays, covering various topics under the heading of Biblical Theology for Women: How to read the Old Testament. I saw the Old Testament come to life for women who had avoided it in fear of the confusion it could lead to. I saw Jesus’ story of redemption grow deeper in the hearts of the women. And I saw the guys get jealous. It was a dream come true.
My heart was planted deep in the soil of Covenant. And when the time came to say goodbye, it hit me like a truck. As Jae brought me up to the front of the church in my last Sunday service, he said, “All of you know her, there isn’t anyone in this room who hasn’t been served by her. She has made relationships here as if she would be here for 10 years, not 10 months.” And then it was time to say goodbye. It felt like I was a plant being uprooted. Each person I had to say goodbye to was a root that was being pulled out. Some of the roots were shallow and didn’t hurt that bad. But some of them were deep, deeper than I had imagined.
My last day in Korea, my last day with Covenant, was one full of tears. It started off dry, but as soon as I hit communion, the tears started. And they didn’t stop. The height of the tears came when it was time to say goodbye to those closest to me. Jonathan, Chris, Betsy. I couldn’t do it. I told Jonathan, through tear soaked sobs that I didn’t know how to end our friendship. He told me that it wasn’t over. But his words didn’t comfort me. I was just sad.
I left Korea surprised. I didn’t go to Korea to make friends. I actually thought I would be able to go through the whole year without friends. I knew I would make some shallow friends, but I didn’t expect or even want the depth that I found in Korea.
So leaving, crying. Not sure how to stop it, of even if I wanted to stop it. My heart swells with gratitude when I think about Korea. I love that the Lord is in control. I love that I can trust Him. I love that I know I am resting in the palm of His great and powerful hand. That no harm comes to me, only mercy. So when I cry, they are not tears of sadness, but tears of fullness.

My student Sally, trying to tell a joke

2010-10-27T11:01:00.002+09:00

Hellos and Goodbyes

2010-10-21T12:31:00.002+09:00

I realize I haven't written on here for over a month. As I have mentioned in the past, during times of transition in life, or any intense life action, I can't bring myself to blog. These times are usually too intense to write a post that resembles any reality of my life.
I am leaving Korea in 18 days. I knew this time would come. I spent most of the year though, thinking that I would be rejoicing, anticipating, and relishing this upcoming departure. But as my time in Korea is coming to an end, I instead find myself sad. For those of you who knew me when I left Chile, this is nothing like that. My sadness over leaving Chile was more of a heart wretching sadness. It felt much like a break up. This isn't near that. I still don't love living here. I still feel like a fish out of water in Korean culture. But it is my home. It has been my home for over a year. And it has been a place of healing for me. Coming here alone, and leaving here alone, I can look back and see the Lord's faithfulness to me in bringing me here. He brought me here and let me walk through the darkest time of my life. He brought me here and planted me in a community where I found deep relationships, gospel centered community, and a chance to serve with all my heart.
I feel guilty that I am sad. I have told so many of you back home that I am anxious to leave Korea. I have spent the year ready to leave, and now that the time has come, I'm sad. Not sad enough to stay. But I am realizing how deeply the Lord has been planting me here. When I think about the fact that all the peices of my life, all the details, all the people, that all these things are about to disappear... I feel sad. I am not ready to say goodbye. But my lack of readiness doesn't mean I should stay longer. I will never be ready to say goodbye to some of the people here. Thankfully, with most of those people, this isn't quite goodbye. We worship the Lord Jesus, we anticipate a great reunion.
And so these last few weeks, as I am approaching the end of my time here, I know that there is joy somewhere in my heart about returning home. I know there is excitement about heading to Chile, but all I can see and feel is sadness here and now.
(PS- I dont write this with any intention of being comforted, nor even seeking words of comfort. I see this as a blessing. I am sad because God has done a good thing here. If I weren't at all affected by leaving I would doubt that I had really learned to see His work in my life here. So while you are welcome to offer words of consolation, I am in no hurry to move away from the sadness that I feel.)

Teachers Beware

2010-09-04T22:20:00.002+09:00

The title of this post doesn't refer to the dangers of teaching children. No, I am refering to the dangers when teaching the Bible. James 3 says, "Let not many of you become teachers, my brothers, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment". Basically, live up to what you preach. Thank God we preach grace and mercy, not our own perfection.
Still, I am reminded of this warning as I face a night of disappointment. Yep. Today was just one of those days where the reality of singleness hit harder than usual. I was struggling through this, praying that God would meet me in this moment. That's when I got home and read an email from a guy asking if I would be interested in setting up his friend with mine. My heart sunk. His friend was one of those guys that you meet and are just so blown away by their love for the Lord. And you hope somewhere in your heart that you get a guy like that someday. It's not that I was so madly in love with this guy, but it was just a reminder that this one isn't for me. Just like all the rest. Not for me. Or so it feels.
It's not a coincidence that I am feeling this way tonight. In about 16 hours I am going to stand before some women and tell them that their theology affects their lives. I am going to tell them that they have to cling to God and His promises because life hits us hard sometimes. I am going to tell them that dealing with things like discontentment, shame, and disappointment are all theological issues. So as I sat at my desk, reading the email, watching some misplaced hopes wash down the drain, I cried out to the Lord. I begged Him to give me faith that He truly is working things out in my life. My future may or may not involve a husband. My hope is not in some perceived ideal of domestic bliss. My hope is in Him and Him alone. I don't write these things easily. They bring tears to my eyes. "Have faith" is not an easy answer. In fact, in some ways it is much harder than doing the dirty work. It is more of a daily struggle to cling to this reality- the reality that God is faithful and good and in control.
So come tomorrow, when I stand before the women in my church and proclaim to them the Lord's faithfulness, I come not as a professional or a perfect example. I come as one who spent a night clinging to the hope that is found in the arms of a sweet savior.

let's go!

2010-09-03T23:43:00.002+09:00

So a quick piece of good news... (btw- sorry for the ridiculously long posts recently. It's like binging and purging. I don't write for a week and then I get it all out in a long post!)
My boss decided to give us an extra day off for the upcoming Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving). So that gives us a total 6 days off (including the weekend) so I'm gonna head on down to Thailand for a little vacation! Yep. Random you think? Well, out of every country in Asia, Thailand is one of the only ones I really want to see. I didn't have a huge desire to see Japan or China, but LOVED spending that time with my parents. So now, given the chance to do anything for those 6 days, Im heading down to southeast Asia. My brother is in Singapore and I'm hoping he can join me in Thailand for a few days (I think it's gonna happen!). Somehow this turned into the summer with random trips around Asia with various family members. Now I just need a trip with my sister.

So.. stay tuned... Sept 18-24 is gonna be heart of lippy, Thai-style!

A quick hello...

2010-09-03T23:21:00.002+09:00

Hi friends,
Thanks for coming back again and again even when I take a week to post anything. The previous post was quite dramatic and I have good news, things have calmed down a bit since then. No more emotional breakdown at work (at least I'm not the one having them!)
I've made it to Friday night and I actually found myself breathing a prayer of relief as I walked into my apartment after a long day at work. Thank you Lord for sustaining me this week.
I spend most of my time thinking that I am the one who sustains me. I think that I have so much energy and I can spend it on certain things. But this week was a testimony of the foolishness of such thoughts. I couldn't have gone through this week were not I sustained every moment by God's grace. This week was a fairly normal week at work- a hectic frenzy of joy and frustration all mixed in with whining and laughing.
But in addition to my normal teaching schedule, I have been blessed beyond measure to teach a 6 week course on biblical theology for women. Of course, this is at my church, not SEA. But the excitement in me that has arisen in sharing with my sisters the amazing tools I learned in seminary has actually brought me to tears. This is what I live for! So I began to work on the course (a wonderful mix of Carolyn Custis James, Graeme Goldsworthy, and Doug Green). It has given me a wonderful excuse to listen to some lectures by John Loftness and read Biblical Theology in the Life of the Church (thanks Howard!)
I knew that I was gonna get attacked this week. Have you ever noticed any time you are doing something for God how suddenly life turns sour. Things just go wrong and fall apart? WEll, I was expecting it and asked for prayer, and I felt the protection of God around me this week. I was able to have grace for people who hurt me when everything in me wanted to just sit in anger. I was able to be patient with kids that would normally evoke impatience in me. I was able to multi-task even more than normal this week. I felt the waves crashing around me and I didn't drown. All of that was God's grace on me. And I knew it. I watched before my eyes as the Lord sustained me.
One of the ways I felt the attacks this week was in nightmares. Literally in one of them satan was trying to kill me. I was filled with fear and trying to escape. He was crushing me at one point and in my dream it was making me need to throw up. I woke up gagging, grateful that there wasn't any real vomit to deal with. I woke up in the middle of the night a lot this week. Most of the nights I laid in bed trying to fall back asleep, and unable to for hours. It was so discouraging, but I also knew whose name to call upon in my fear. And I knew that it was Him sustaining me.
So tonight, Friday night, I am staying in and listening to some awesome lectures on Biblical Theology while I bake some cookies by candlelight. I won't call it a date with Jesus, but it's about as close as you get.

Tears and fears at work

2010-08-25T22:29:00.004+09:00

(warning this is a long one, but there is some good news at the end.)

I have mentioned in the past that my kids tend to cry. Korean boys seem especially vulnerable to this tendency.
But today it was my turn. Yes, for the first time in my 11 months working at my school, I burst into tears today. It was a combination of many things. First, it is just one of those "a little more sensitive than normal" days. Also, it's the fourth and final week of intensives. This means I work a solid 9 hours a day tuesday to thursday, and mondays and fridays are a nice long 11.5 hour day. It's just a little too much. Also, last night I had a nightmare involving some of my students. In my dream, they were out of control and my boss was getting mad at me for not being able to control them.
So all that led into today. I was toward the end of my 9 hour Wednesday and it was time to teach the class that had been starring in my dream last night. I was a little tense about it since really this class generally IS out of control. So when the most troublesome kid decided to be really rude to another girl while she was giving a presentation I came up behind him and slapped in on the arm. It wasn't hard. But I've never hit a child before. In fact, I am VERY much against corporal punishment in schools. I won't comment on spanking since that is in the relm of the home and I am not a parent. But I am a teacher and I am VERY against hitting children. So I was shocked and disgusted with myself for slapping the kid. (Again, it wasn't very hard and it really was more to get his attention than to hurt him, but it still was harder than I am ok with.) The kid of course lives in a culture where it is normal for teachers to really hit children, and he is a very naughty kid, so he wasn't surprised or moved at all when I hit him. But I was. I left class for the five minute break and wandered into the teacher's room to get more copies and collect myself. I was still in shock over what I had done.
That's when the counselor asked to talk to me privately. She said she had been talking to the parents of the class that I was to teach next and they were concerned. No, they didn't hear that I hit a kid. That they would be fine with since that is normal here. No, they had heard from their kids some concerning stories from my classroom. Evidently, at some point in time, a girl's paper had fallen on the floor, presumably under the table in between the girl and me. I had moved it toward her with my foot for her to pick it up. That hurt the girl's feelings. Also, another girl got hurt when I wouldn't let her borrow my pencils or markers. Now the story there. The girl tells me she has been sick with a fever and throwing up. I ask her if it was in the past or if she was still sick. She tells me she thinks she still has a fever. I tell her that she needs to go home. She doesn't want to and the counselor tells me that she will stay in the class, that she isn't sick anymore. In my American mind, if you have a fever, you are contagious. So I, not being able to kick her out of my class, at least want her to stay away from my pencils so I don't get sick. Well, I hurt her feelings.
So the mom's, who are all really tight with each other and talk a lot, expressed their concern with my teaching. As the counselor is telling me this, I break down in tears. The counselor was shocked that I was so serious about the criticism, she really didnt think it was a big deal. But in that moment (and even now as I type) the news was too much to take. I really enjoy the class with the girls whose mother complained. I thought we had fun. But knowing that they are going to take everything I do under criticism makes me bitter. There are some teachers who don't care about how much the students enjoy learning. But I do. I really try to make my class as fun and creative and educational as possible. Which means I put tons more energy into my classes. So here I am wiping myself out each day, and the parents are complaining. It took me a few minutes to get my eyes unpuffy so I could go to class. I handed out the test the kids were supposed to take and stood over by the window, trying to put on enough make up to cover the red eyes. But I kept feeling the tears poking their ugly heads back up. So I made my way over to my purse and pulled out my bible. I knew exactly where to read. Ps 16.

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasent places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.
I have set the Lord before me, because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." (v.5,6,8)

So I read those verses over and over. I was shaken. But I claimed the truth that my identity and value are hidden in Christ. That I can love these kids and serve these kids as a teacher through His power, and not through my own. I prayed and begged God to give me grace and mercy as I faced this time. And He was gracious.

Becka's Pancakes

2010-08-24T10:40:00.002+09:00

I made some yummy pancakes this morning and I thought I would share them with you. Well, not really share, but at least show off the yumminess.

Want the recipe? Too bad. It doesn't exist! Naw, I don't really like to follow recipes and it's hard to really follow recipes here since there are no measuring cups or anything (it's really because I am too impatient to measure stuff!)

So I can tell you what I added up, and maybe if youre feeling adventurous, you can throw the stuff together and make your own version of my pancakes.

What to use:

some flour (but not much, maybe half a cup)

some oatmeal (another half a cup or so)

some museli (don't even try to ask where I found this stuff here, or how much it cost)

a little brown sugar (depending on how sweet you want it)

a dash of baking powder and baking soda

a tiny bit of vanilla extract (thanks Ashlee for sending that over!!!)

and finally, add how ever much milk you need to make the pancake mix the right consistency)

Put some batter on the pan and cut little pieces of pancakes on top of it. They will sink into your pancakes and get warm and mushy. De-lic-ious!

que disfruta!

doubts and fears

2010-08-21T21:48:00.002+09:00

I felt a tinge of doubt today.
I went out to explore a part of Seoul that I haven't been to yet. It's the neighborhood near Ehwa Women's University and from everything I've heard about it, I knew I would like it.
So I set out for the hour long trip out there around 4pm, hoping to escape the worst of the afternoon heat. It was still pretty hot outside when I arrived but it was such a pleasent day with so many people out and about that I nearly forgot about the oppressive heat.
As I walked around the neighborhood, I was filled with a soft sadness that I will be leaving this place in 10 weeks. The truth is that I have found parts of Korea that I love and I will mourn losing them when I leave.
That made me think (and don't get upset grandma!) that maybe I would be happier staying in Korea. Won't I miss those parts of Korea when I am in Chile? Won't I miss the coffee culture? The way they have lot's of cheap places to get cutesy stuff? Won't I miss the food?
A hint of doubt slowly crept into my mind. I walked along the streets, thinking about all of it. All the places I have lived and loved. All the reasons I have loved the places. The feelings I have gotten as I walked down streets and the sadness I have faced as I left places. I soon put words to the fear that growing in my heart. I was afraid that I would never be truly happy anywhere. No matter where I go, I will have things about other places that I love and miss. I will miss the diversity of New York, the coffee culture of Korea, the weather of San Francisco, and so many things about life Chile. I feared that I would never find the perfect place to live.
And then I realized, I won't.
I won't ever find the PERFECT place to live because the truth is that I love so many different places for different reasons and that is a blessing. AND... all places are affected by sin and literally, there is no perfect place.
So I asked God (finally) what I was supposed to do with all this. How could I know that He was bringing me to Chile when I had such torn feelings about everywhere?
God doesn't call us to live in perfect places. Certainly, that idea can't be matched with anything in the Gospel, but He puts us places to be a part of His work in the world to proclaim His glory among all people.
So God asked me (kinda, in His special way), "Where am I putting you for the great purpose of living a life for my glory? Where will you live to be a part of what I am doing among the people?"
And I knew that the answer, at least for now is Chile. They might totally lack a coffeehouse culture, but I am not moving there so Chile can serve me. When I think about Chile, I want to be a part of what God is doing there. I want to be a part of the church planting that's going on. A part of reaching the Bellas Artes neighborhood with the amazing news of a loving and gracious God who desires restoration. The Lord may take me somewhere else, but for now I walk forward toward Chile, excited that He has led me thus far. There will be parts of me that get homesick for New York, San Francisco, and even Korea. But in the end, my home is hidden in Him. And so is my joy.

CONGRATS TO MY FAV!

2010-08-19T22:51:00.002+09:00

There are some people in life that you just know are special. People who have made such a difference in your life that you couldn't imagine how you would have survived various seasons of life without this person. Michelle was that person for me throughout seminary. Our two years in seminary together taught us the necessity of preaching the Gospel to each other each day, literally. We met on the porch of Machen Building at Westminster Seminary and a beautiful friendship bloomed into what now can only be described as a sisterhood. We have laughed together, cried together, and lived together. We kick each other's butts when we are being stupid and we love to cuddle on the couch and watch movies together.
So I'd like to take a chance to say CONGRATS to this wonderful woman on her recent engagement. As the two of us have walked along a long path of broken hearts and crushes dreams in the world of romance, I rejoice now with my friend. Her fiance, Ernest is an awesome guy (I've met him on skype briefly, but I have it on good authority!) and I am SO excited that she gets to share her life with him. May they grow in grace as they learn to love and serve each other as God calls them to. And may their marriage be a testimony to all those around them.

Student Sweetness

2010-08-16T23:50:00.003+09:00

There are many approaches to teaching. I was raised with the attitude that learning was fun and over the years as I have developed my teaching style, I've tried to keep that attitude at the forefront. I know I'm not supposed to have favorites as a teacher, but I do. I have many favorite students, there are honestly some great kids in some of my classes.

But one of my classes in particular is full of wonderful students. The class is called C3 and it's a group of girls, all around 6th grade. They are just great girls. In that class, there are a few girls that stand out, and there is one girl who I have to admit, were I to choose a favorite, she would be it. Her name is Jennifer Lee. She is just an awesome kid. She works hard, is self motivated, never puts others down but encourages the other girls to do well. She's wonderful.

So today in class I mentioned that most teachers are only here for one year. She raised her hand and asked if I was going to stay for only one year. I told her yes, that I would be leaving in November. I noticed her face drop and I thought it wasn't a big deal, so I moved the conversation along. I looked back at her a minute later and her eyes were red and puffy. She was crying! I almost laughed- it was SO sweet! I teach her sister Vivian as well and I know that I am their favorite teacher (or at least they tell me so) but this was really precious.

I love these C3 girls so much! I wish I could take them with me. Actually, I wish I could be their youth group leader and talk to them about real issues instead of worrying about their grammar. I try to get deep with them, well as deep as you can get with 12 year old girls. We've covered issues in our debate class like plastic surgery on minors, self esteem, and respect. I tease them and joke with them. We often find ourselves rolling (some of them literally out of their seats on the floor) with laughter.

2010-08-15T20:46:00.004+09:00

Earlier this week it was Chris' birthday. He turned the big 30 and Jonathan and I decided to throw a little surprise party together. It took a ton more energy and time to do it than I expected, but in the end, I loved making my dear friend's brithday a memorable one.

Betsy and I cooked and cooked and then experimented with some more cooking (which FAILED horribly!)

Some of our cooking tools

We let Chris decorate his own cake...

and eat some of the frosting...

and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be an awesome mom for 8 year old boys.

And now some photos from the rest of the party...

a "heart" update in Korea

2010-08-10T22:40:00.003+09:00

I guess it's time for a little "heart" update. The truth is, there isn't much to tell. I feel my desire to get married getting stronger and yet more controlled as I get older. I know, I'm not that old yet. I'm 27. But as my mom so graciously pointed out to me recently, that was the age she was when she got married. Thanks mom.
It's interesting being a single woman here in Korea. It seems like most younger girls have boyfriends, and the older girls are desperate for one. Unlike the states where there is a valid "singles" culture, there is none here. It is really awkward if you don't have a significant other. People will often ask you why. People will speculate about what's wrong with you. And then they will offer to set you up on a blind date. Going on blind dates, so-ghe-ting as they call it, is one of the most popular ways to meet potential boyfriends. There is a cultural expectation here that women get married by the time they are 30 (remember that I am 28 in Korea). So some of my students, upon learning my age, remind me that I need to be working on finding a husband. I think some of them have given up hope on me.
I haven't exactly given up hope. Like I said, my desire has become less of a blaring siren, and more of a dull drumming of hope that someday those desires will be met. Sometimes I catch myself watching cute couples in the park or on the subway, and I feel a little jolt of sadness. Why can't I have that? And I have to remind myself that I wouldn't want that here in Korea. I'm not staying here so that kind of relationship would just bring problems and sure heartbreak.
But more than the logistical justification for being single now, I have a reason for being in this place in this season. God has me here. I have to trust that He has control over this situation. I have to trust that He is working out His good and perfect will in my life. That no minute is wasted. If I ever marry, it will be in His timing. He could have brought me a husband much sooner, but He hasn't. He desires me to be single in this time. So I praise Him for that. I don't feel praise, but I know that I praise Him. He has never left me and He has never taken me somewhere without giving me the grace to be there. He has proved faithful before, and my hope is rested in His unfailing faithfulness in the future.

Getting personal with Luther

2010-08-09T23:49:00.004+09:00

Sorry for the lack of posting. I am in the heart of intensives which is like the being in a deep dark pit of screaming children and crazy curriculums. Mondays and Fridays I end up at work for about 12 hours and Tuesday to Thursdays round out to a "normal" 8 or 9 hours each. Basically, Im pretty exhausted most of the time. But in the madness of the time, I get to realize some things about myself. One of the best realizations has been in the relm of theological nerdiness. I don't want to go into details, but I have come to the conclusion that I might have some personal issues with Luther. Yes, the issues may have begun in dry academic theology, but I being too much of a girl have to go and take it personally. The feelings are similar to those I might feel toward a girl in my social group who slighted me. Only, this is a guy from hundreds of years ago, and the slighting was all theology.
Luther went to great places theological places, and he led the way in some wonderful theological insights. But there is stuff that Luther said and did that bother me. The most ridiculous thing of it all is not the stuff that I don't like about Luther, but that I, being a complete and total nerd, actually care enough to be truly bothered by it all. My issues with the guy came to a head today when I was reading through his introduction to Galatians. My small group is going to be discussing it this week and I was getting some prep work done for leading the discussion. As I was reading, I felt resentment building in my chest. Don't get me wrong, the things he wrote in this introduction are good. But I have this hidden resentment, from knowing too much about the various controversies that went on around him. And that leaves me here, stuck somewhere between the high academics of historical theology at Westminster Seminary, and my natural tendency toward teenage emotionalism.
Sorry for the boring post. I'll try to be more consistent in posting, and I'll try to be just a tad less of a dork in life in general.

Some China Photos

2010-08-08T10:40:00.001+09:00

China teaser

2010-08-01T22:44:00.002+09:00

Japan in photos

2010-07-12T23:28:00.004+09:00

downtown Kyoto

at a shrine, with beautiful lanterns

the deer in Nara loved my mom and followed her

this is my favorite dollar store in Korea evidently is also in Japan

we stumbled upon an amazing cemetary, it was quite serene and seemingly reverent, that is, until I found this one grave with some not so reverent gifts left for the dead

next to a HUGE pagoda

My mom taking photos of flowers

a beautiful stream along the philosopher's walk in Kyoto

Is kissing the dragon sacreligious? tehehe.

My beautiful mom with her green tea ice cream

My breakfast on the flight- YUM!

my dear little ones

2010-07-05T21:49:00.002+09:00

My heart broke today.
One of my youngest classes is filled with six incredibly sweet girls and boys. They are precious and though their English is really low, they try so hard in class. Recently they like to test their strength against mine by all of them holding the door closed when I come to start class. If all six of them are holding the door closed, I usually can't open it. But one of them, an adorable boy named Hyun-sung sometimes joins my team and pulls the door open with me. Once the doors opens, the kids scream and giggle as they cling to my arms and hug me. This usually takes up the first five minutes of class. It's not really English, but its adorable.
Well today, after all this happened and I finally got them settled in their seats, I realized I forgot their tests in the teachers room, so I went out to get the tests. When I returned, Hyun-Sung was sitting with his head on the desk. I thought maybe he was playing so I passed out the tests and then sat next to him and ruffled his hair, telling him to sit up and take his test. That's when I noticed his little body shaking in sobs. I was so confused. Hyun-sung is not a crier. We have some kids that cry easily, but he is not one of those. I put my arms around him and asked him over and over "What's wrong? What happened?" Finally some of the other kids told me that Alex, another boy in the class had punched him. I pulled Hyun-sung out of class and we sat on the couch in the hallway. I was so sad that this precious child was suffering. And even more so that he was suffering at the hands of another precious boy.
I took them both into the couselor's room and after a few minutes they came back to take their test. During the test, I knelt down to Alex and tried to ask him why he punched Hyun-sung. He just looked at me with a blank expression. I have heard the history of Alex beating up other boys in other classes. I have heard that Alex has no father in his life. And I have tried to show extra patience with him and to never lose my temper when dealing with him since I think he is used to the verbal and maybe physical abuse that can be so prevelent in this society. So my heart broke for him today as I knelt by him and touched him tenderly on the arm, and gently asked him why he hit Hyun-sung. I could see by the look in his eyes, that tenderness was not something he has often experienced. This is a boy filled with anger.
It turns out, I heard later from the counselor, that he punched him in the stomach because Hyun-sung had helped me open the door. That was when my stomach dropped. I hoped with all my heart that Hyun-sung wouldn't stop being good. That he wouldn't be posioned by the anger that had brought another child to punch him. And I wanted to cry for little Alex. No older than 6 years old, already a prisoner to anger. The mom of another boy that Alex has attacked numerous times said that she will call the police the next time it happens. I don't even know what to say to that.
Dear Lord, I pray your grace upon this child. May the comfort of Your gospel reach his heart. May his anger be burned away, his pain surrendered. Whatever has brought him to this place, may You be the redeemer of it!

Ridiculous

2010-07-05T09:03:00.001+09:00

I checked the weather last night....
temperture: 86F, "feels like" 91F
Humidity: 86%
How is that even possible?

(and all I can do in response is smile)

What love looks like

2010-07-03T16:35:00.002+09:00

This week is the birthday week for two of my friends, Jonathan and Brittany. Since I wasn't sure what to get them, I decided to put my supreme domestic skills to work (once again, that's sarcasm folks!)
I decided to make some charoset for Jonathan since he loved it at Passover and to take some extra to Brittany's party. Also on the list to make: some cookies for the birthday peeps, some hummus for Brittany's party, and there was a special request for brownies.

Here in Korea, most people don't have ovens. Not even in real homes. I am blessed to have a tiny toaster oven in my apartment. A friend had me store his stuff while he was in Canada for a month, and when he came back, he took most of his stuff but never came for his toaster oven. This was six months ago. So I try to take full advantage of the toaster and bake banana breads or cookies whenever I get a chance. The problem is that my toaster is SO small that it can only fit a few cookies at a time. So when it comes time to make cookies, the process is a slow labor of love. But given the fact that homemade cookies are almost impossible to find here, it is well appreciated. Homemade cookies is what love looks like here in Korea.

Cuba and kimchi

2010-07-02T00:35:00.002+09:00

This post is dedicated to Sarah for her encouragement to keep writing. Love you friend.

I don't know how I ever complained about weather before. The weather here in Seoul is more humid and hot and muggy than I could have imagined. I actually started to laugh out loud today as I was walking home. It just seemed so ridiculous to me, the air being so hot and humid. I laughed. One of the ways I have learned to deal with the air here, besides persistently wiping my face and neck with my handkerchief, is to keep my ipod securely in my ears at all times. For years I have been a fan of a Cuban hip hop group called Orishas. I totally recommend them to anyone and everyone. They are the best of latin music and hiphop married. I have even found a Spanish radio station on itunes that I play while I am at home (sitting under my blessed air conditioner!) Somehow, listening to the music, I can pretend I am in some latin country, where women wear long bright skirts, fruit is exotic and fragrant in the air, and adorable brown children laugh with glee as they run through the streets. Where people laugh loudly and freely. Where it is ok to smile at strangers. Where I feel comfortable.
To be honest, I am really ok living here in Korea. I have learned to appreciate parts of the life here that I am sure to miss when I leave it. There are parts of my life that I love here and I know that God brought me here for good. I have seen His goodness poured out to me in this year here. But its not my home. I am still all too aware of how I am 3 times the size of the women here. Even the obese women here don't come close to me. I am sad every time I see a white person on the street and as I pass them, I don't smile. I don't acknowledge them. And if they have been here for more than a few weeks, they do the same. We have accepted the norms here.
On the train today, I was in a part of town that has few foreigners so I was surprised when a young white guy got on the train and stood not even a foot away from me. The train was crowded and we were so close, and facing each other. Both of us keep our eyes averted. He has obviously lived here long enough to know that we aren't supposed to make eye contact. We rode in such a manner for 20 minutes until my stop arrived and I pushed past him to get off the train.
I know some of you are going to tell me to just talk to them, to make eye contact, to go against the Korean norm. But I just can't. I mean, I can if I fight it, but it feels so wrong here.
And so to make myself feel more comfortable in the intense heat of the day, and the awkwardness of my extremely latina personality in this Korean culture, I play my Cuban hiphop. And for a minute, I don't feel so bothered by the humidity, nor do I feel so awkward. That is, until a wave of kimchi flavored air blows into my face, waking me up to the reality before me. Ah, kimchi.

Lord may you teach me to live in the present, learn from the past, and trust You with the future.

The last month or so in photos

2010-07-02T00:21:00.003+09:00

Well, first, I have to say a HUGE congrats to Jungmi and Will who got engaged last week. Will is one of the interns at our church and man oh man when that guy preaches, all of us are so moved by the reality of the Gospel. Jungmi is probably one of the most grounded women I have met here. She is an incredible catch and I am so excited for them.

ps- their children will be incredibly tall seeing as both of them TOWER over me.

For my birthday Mary took me out to breakfast in one of our favorite neighborhoods. It's called Hannam and I love it because it's the closest thing I have found to the atmosphere I loved at Sunday brunch in the Village. On a tiny strip of street there are situated various restaurants and cafes offering mostly American brunch and Mexican food (hence my love for the area). Mary and I head there most Saturdays. After grabbing lunch, we settled ourselves on a patio of a particular cafe. It's over priced lattes aren't amazing, but we sit there for a solid four hours with the pretenses of studying. In any case, it's our tradition.

Birthday Brunch: Omlette and all the works

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-21T12:14:00.002+09:00

It's a day late here in Korea, but in California...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Dear Dad,

I blame you for my insanely social personality, my love for Israeli folk dancing, and my inability to remember any musicians names. And I thank you for your prayers over the last 27 years. You are a blessing.

Rebecca

World Cup and the dreams that come

2010-06-19T01:42:00.002+09:00

World Cup fever has taken over Seoul. The team here in Korea is called the Red Devils (an appropriate name for such a legalistic Christian country, dont you think?) It's not uncommon for my kids to come to class dressed all in red with little devil horns on their head. It bothered me at first. Really, the real Devil would love nothing more than for us to think that he is a little red guy with horns and a tail. But if I have learned anything over the past few weeks, its that I have control over few things in life. And the proud control freak in me needs to learn to let go.

Here are some of my friends cheering for Korea on Thursday. I sadly was at work and missed this game. Notice the beer and pizza. Good times!

I will hopefully post some pics from when my friends and I went to cheer last Saturday. It was fun, although it made me realize once again, how different Chile and Korea are. For example, when Greece (Korea's opponent) scored or blocked a goal, the Koreans were silent. I mean, there was some groaning, some quiet whining. But really, coming out of latino countries, where riots start, I was hit with the stark contrast. And it made me miss Chile. In fact, maybe it's because I've let myself think more about Chile in the past few weeks, or maybe I'm trying to mentally escape some of the drama in my life here in Korea, but I've been a little more impatient than normal to be in Chile. I told Sunyoung on Saturday about my plans. In sharing with her some of my dreams for the future, I realized how huge these dreams are. Not that they are unrealistic, but they seem huge to me. They seem surreal in many ways, and yet I know that these are the places the Lord is taking me. I don't know the exact places the Lord has for me, but I know that He is my guide and provider. For those of you reading this blog who wonder if God is a faithful leader, He is! He is not just faithful to lead, but as the creator of your heart, TRUST Him to lead you. Set your desires on Him. He is infinitely more satisfying than any dream or idol you might have. 10 years ago, when I was finishing up high school, I couldnt have ever imagined that this would be my life. He has been more than I could have ever hoped for.

Confessions- anger is a root issue

2010-06-09T01:30:00.003+09:00

Recently my friends and I have been looking at CCEF's tree model to understand how to approach the issue of sin in our lives. You see, according to the tree model, the real issue is under the surface, where the roots are. The real issue is that in some way shape or form we don't believe the Gospel. Because if we did truly and fully believe in the Gospel, we would not see bad fruit (aka sin) in our lives. There are great resources out there, here is one of them.
So anyways, this way of viewing sin makes you take note of the circumstances in your life and your reaction to the circumstances, but always pushes you to ask, What is going on in my heart? Where is my heart not believing in the Gospel. I totally agree with this model of counseling and have been encouraging my friends and I to use it as we minister to each other.
So tonight God challenged me. It's almost 2am and I am wide awake. I was in bed for almost an hour, tossing and turning. Why? you might ask. Well, anger was burning deep in my heart. Yeah. Anger and and pain. Oh, and don't forget bitterness. Yep. They were mulling around, keeping me from going to sleep at a decent hour.
The situation doesn't really matter, it's all just my circumstances. And my response is only truly valuable for showing me something even more important: that my heart is NOT resting in the Gospel. In my situation, there is a person who has done x,y, and z. Like I said, it honestly doesnt even matter. My response is anger and bitterness. So what does that tell me? Well, to be honest, Im not completely sure. I feel like I am just begining to scrape the top of the huge ice cube that is my heart. I can tell you this much, part of my anger is self righteousness. Yeah. I think somehow that this person's sin is so much worse than mine. The truth is, their sin is gross to God and I should react to it. But I have to react in light of my own gross sin having been forgiven. Not by my own deeds, but by the blood of Jesus. So when this person does something that send jolts of anger into my heart, I have to fight to remember that I am no more than a forgiven sinner. My anger is like the guy in Matthew 18 who is forgiven of much but then refuses to forgive his neighbor of a few pennies.
Our responses show our heart. I praise God that He kept me awake tonight. He didn't let me go to sleep in my anger, or thinking that my anger is justified. No, He loves me enough to show me how sinful my heart is. As long as I sit in anger and bitterness, I can't experience His grace. And let me tell you friends, there is no experience to be had other than His grace. It is the sweetest part of life, and it is the greatest hope in death.

Single Woman

2010-06-07T22:44:00.002+09:00

A guy recently asked me if I was content being single. It was one of those conversations that I live for. I barely knew the guy, but we got deep about real issues as we sat in our friend's living room after our bible study. He asked about being content. I pondered the question for a moment and then answered. "Yes, I am content." I went on to explain that I had seen the Lord give and take away those things that I truly desire. And even in the heartbreak, I have learned that it is God's goodness. The guy asked if I wanted to get married. Of course! I think anyone reading this blog probably knows me well enough to know the answer to that one.
Then the third question came. This one wasn't so easily to answer. The guy asked, "So then are you preparing yourself for marriage?" Um...
I think I know the idea this guy is working from, but there is something in me that says its the wrong question. Now, let me say first, that this guy, and the people who think this way, have some AMAZING theology. They have encouraged me more than ever in my walk with the Lord.
But I battled this idea of preparing for marriage a lot over the years. The truth is, I am a woman, created in God's image, and if He has me single, it doesn't diminish any of those facts. So while I want to marry, and I think its a possibility some day, I can't live my life oriented around a hoped for day in the future.
No, God has so much more for me. He made me to live today as a godly woman. All the gifts that I hope to exercize as a wife- hospitality, kindness, patience, selflessness- I am supposed to use them today! Of course it's different, but godly character is godly character whether or not you're married. So I told this guy that I am trying to pursue His goodness for me today. That I am looking at biblical feminity no just for when I get to be a wife, but that as a single I could truly honor God as a woman.

One of the authors who has been really encouraging me is Carolyn McCulley. In an article she wrote, she talked about this issue of being a single woman seeking biblical feminity. I'll leave you with a quote from her:

I was not a female form outlined in dotted lines, waiting for one man to
fill me in and therefore complete my femininity. I was feminine because that's
how my God made me, and there was something of his image that I was to reflect
as a woman—even a single woman.

2010-06-07T00:27:00.002+09:00

So much has been going on over the last few weeks. There is nothing truly monumental, but the little pieces of life seem to be moving mightily. Because it's past midnight, and I should be going to bed, Im going to brush over the pieces. Sorry for the lack of depth, but maybe with these large brush strokes you can see the quick and steady current of my life.

Over the last two weeks, I have been praying for some of my friends. I've been carrying around a prayer journal and using my spare minutes to pray throughout the day. It's been a deep blessing in my life and I have found myself praying more and more as the days go on.
One of the biggest blessings of the prayer was in the Lord blessing me with the opportunity to pray as part of the service this Sunday. I don't take anything I do for the church lightly, so what could have been just a simple and easy prayer turned into an hour of reading my bible, reflecting on what kind of prayer would best serve and lead the church, a small but real moment of fear of man, an almost withdrawing from the responsibility, and then finally a realization that any fear I have is a fear of man. For God gives me the right to pray, because of HIS righteousness.

I started having an asthma attack the friday before my birthday. So its been over a week of wheezing and coughing. Its allergies, and I got myself to the dr. who put me on a steroid inhaler. It's working, kinda. But it does mean that I spend my day feeling my lower lungs wheezing as I breathe in and out. Feels almost like my stomach grumbling, but its my lungs.

We have a visitor at our church right now. His name is Howard and he is a friend of one of the guys in the church. He is only here for a few weeks (he leaves this friday) but he has been such a breath of fresh air. He works with small groups at Covenant Life Church in DC (it's CJ Mahaney's church). He has been helping the guys with their accountability group, and even giving us some guidance for our girls group. But even more than the logistical help, he has been refreshing because the guy just quotes scripture. Every time I have asked him anything, his answer is always half just scripture quotes. It's cool. It's a good reminder of what our sure foundation is. I realized in my conversations with him that I know a lot of theology, and in many ways, its good theology (or so I think!) but my intake of the Word is so low. I seem to have forgotten that my joy and peace come from the Gospel that is proclaimed through these very scriptures. I doubt their power in my life. And really, let's call it for what it is. My attitude toward the scripture- laziness, disbelief, and apathy- is sin. This realization has driven me appropriately to the Lord and His Word. I have been praying for a renewed love for His Word.

Beyond these things, the in and out of each day has been quite the same. I am still plugging away at work, learning to love the kids better, trying to not think too hard about the educational philosophy that I am promoting by being here.

My desire to return to Chile has been tempered by the realization that I wont be moving around much more after this, that I feel like a season of settling down is coming.
My desire to serve others, especially in my church, has been so fulfilled with the Lord bringing incredible opportunities for me to lay down my life in small ways for people in my life.
And my desire for a husband... well, that's always there. I am still praying that God would teach me to glorify Him, to believe that His goodness extends into every season.

I have some solid blog posts on some of these issues, but they will have to be for another night. For now, I go to sleep, knowing that my rest is in the One whose angels encamp around me.
Goodnight!

Retreat Photos- finally!

2010-05-31T10:17:00.006+09:00

Norae-bonging on the bus

2010-05-31T10:00:00.003+09:00

For those of you who haven't experienced Noraebong, its basically Korean Karaeoke. It's really popular here. So popular in fact that they have it in some places that I would consider non-traditional karaeoke locations. Prime example: our charter bus. Recently, our church went on a church retreat. It was only supposed to take 1.5 hours to get there, but with the holiday traffic, it ended up taking over 5 hours to get there. No worries. We were all on a bus together, being crazy, playing games, and of course... singing Noraebong. The front of the bus was mostly older people, or at least less crazy people, and the back of the bus was the party. But once Noraebong started, EVERYONE got involved. Here are some videos (NOT taken with the permission of those singing!).

Here are the boys (Chris, Jonathan, and James). These boys have become dear friends to me, and this song only made my heart grow fonder for them.

Here is our pastor. Pastor Jae is Korean, but studied at RTS in Mississippi for a handful of years. His family is awesome and I appreciate how much effort they all pour into our church. Especially when that means singing Noraebong.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-05-29T08:35:00.002+09:00

It's my birthday today. To celebrate the most amazing day in the whole entire world (that's sarcasm folks!) I thought I'd post a little blast from the past.

much affected

2010-05-29T08:31:00.001+09:00

Much affected. I am much affected by the theology that I cling to. I think some people tend to be more practical in their lives, but I am truly a theoretical person. My theory though, dictates my life. So when I find myself in a church such as Covenant, where together we are striving to believe the Gospel, I am much affected. Over the past month or two, many of our sermons, our small group discussions, and even our casual conversations have centered on the idea of God’s love and mercy toward us. But our talk is not fluffy. No, instead we have reflected upon God’s mercy when He takes away things that we turn into idols. Or how He is faithful to keep us away from things we want that we will ultimately put our trust in. He knows that nothing can satisfy us, nor redeem us, aside from Him. And so in His goodness, He takes things away from us to show us how truly sinful we are. When things are not as I want them, and the “If only” statements begin, I know that my heart is not settled on Him. It is when I hear these words proceeding from my mouth (or even silently in my heart) that I must realize that my head theology has not infiltrated my heart.
I had such a moment recently. I began to see bitterness in my heart. It was ugly. Really ugly. My job is not really the best job. I have learned to survive, but working at a private academy means I don’t get nearly as much vacation as my friends who work at public schools. It seems like every time I turn around, they have a day off, an afternoon off, a day with no classes. At my job, we not only have little vacation, but our time at work is always busy, always hectic, and usually stressful. I realized a few weeks ago that I was beginning to be bitter. When my public school friends would talk about all their great plans for their days off, I would feel my heart harden like a rock. I shrugged off the feelings at first, as if they were normal to feel. Of course I am going to be jealous of my friends.
But it started getting worse. A few days ago, I finally admitted that I was struggling with jealousy and bitterness. And that it wasn’t ok. And then His goodness was poured out. I realized that my situation was a gift. If I am truly content in the Lord, no situation can take that. For He never changes, and His mercies never fail. So no amount of stress at work, no lack of vacation days, nothing nothing nothing can take away my joy in Him. It isn’t wrong to want more vacation days, to want a less stressful job. But my heart had been filled with bitterness. I knew that somehow I had been placing my joy in my circumstances. Because when my circumstances had changed, my joy had faltered.
So I praise God for my job. I praise Him that He gave me a job that shows me exactly where my sin is. I praise Him that He won’t let me stay in a place of selfishness and bitterness. I praise Him because in Him I am satisfied. And when I forget that, He is the One who reminds me. Truly He is good to those who fear Him.

Noticias

2010-05-19T22:44:00.002+09:00

Once again, approach my blog apolgizing for my silence over the last few weeks. My blogging life thrives most when few real events occur in my real life. Most of my blog posts are just reflections on the mundane issues that life raises.
But every once in a while, I come to you with news. Today is such a day. A few weeks ago something happened. As many of you know, I came to Korea for the money. It may sound horrible, but its true. I came here to make money as quickly as possible to pay off the loans I took out for seminary. I hoped that I would be able to pay it all off in a year or two. My time here has shown me that I do not want to live here any longer than I need to. The culture is not a good fit for a loud and slightly crazy girl like me. If you have read any of my blog over the last 8 months you probably understand. About a month ago, I started to think about staying here an extra year. As much as I don't love living here, I don't mind it. And if I can get a job that is less demanding, I might actually slightly enjoy my life here. So I began to apply for jobs here. In the midst of applying for jobs, a miracle happened. The door opened for me to return to Chile.
That's right folks, over three years later, I am finally going back to the country that I love. When I originally left, I thought I would be gone for 6 months to a year. But after Israel and India, I started seminary. I always knew/hoped that I would end up back in Chile. But the door always remained closed.
It was a conversation with my mom that did it. She brought up some things, encouraging me to leave Korea, and basically opening the door for me to do so. I ended the conversation telling her that I needed to think about it. I went to bed, laid in the dark, and tried to stop the running stream of spanish that was flying through my mind. I couldnt get my mind to calm down. I tossed and turned for hours, trying to calm the madness. I cried. I prayed. And finally I fell asleep. I knew when I woke up that it was happening. It wasnt a dream. And it wasn't a lie. God was actually opening the door. He has given me a patience that I could never boast in my own strength. And now He is bringing me back.
I waited a few weeks to share this incredible news with you, my blog readers because I wanted first to give it some time. It's fairly far away. I won't be going till January. But I am not anxious. This move is so different from anything I have done before. The last decade has been filled with small time restrained commitments. I went to Cal Poly, knowing that it was only four years. I went to Chile, commiting to 2 years. I went to seminary, another 2 year commitment. And then Korea, a nice 1-2 year commitment.
Now I am looking at Chile. And there is no number attached. I have learned to not make plans in concrete. But I also have gotten most of my travel bug out of me. I am going to Chile to establish a life there. To plant roots. To have long term dreams (most of them pipe dreams). Really, Im going to live.
There is something very different about this move to Chile. There is a lack of adventure in this move. Not that there is no adventure at all. But that it is the same level of adventure as anything in life brings. But the truth is, this seems so... not risky. I know the culture, I know the language (kinda), I know and love people down there. So it seems almost too easy to move there. I know there is loss in every decision you make. Opening one down means closing others. But for so long, this is the door I have waited for. And I can honestly say that not a minute of the last three years has been wasted. The Lord has been good to me. He has used this poor sinner's life in incredible ways. And I am grateful for the desires He has given me, and that He in turn is the fulfiller of my desires.
So there you go. I have so much else to share with you all. But for now, that will have to do. I am going back. I will be in the States for most of November and December, so if you want a personal visit (I LOVE coffee dates!) then let me know. I'm going to take those two months to visit people and places I love. In some sad way, I feel like it's a goodbye tour. As I said, every open door means some closed doors. But in the end, it is not sorrow that fills my heart, but joy.

Feliz Dia de la Mama!

2010-05-10T09:28:00.002+09:00

This post obviously is dedicated to my mom (who wanted me to post again soon anyways!).

Dearest mommmy, happy day to you. Thank you for your constant support in my life. For the way you have taught me to dream big and not to let people push me down. As I get older, I meet people who are surprised by my drive and passion. Their mothers never taught them to move through life in such a way. So I thank you. You have given me so much. And I love you so much. Maybe even as much as the whole wide world.

Love, Mookie

cuteness

2010-04-29T22:18:00.004+09:00

So our head teacher gave us some black tape to use when we play games, or to hang things on the walls. I, of course, couldnt help but to use it to tape my kids mouths shut. :)

Here the girls are putting the tape on. Jinsol put it on her eyes, but Helen and Amy decided to keep it on the mouth. The other girls (who are sitting out of the picture) are all in hysterics laughing through this whole ordeal.. needless to say, for about 5 minutes there was no formal instruction going on!

After taping their mouths closed, we used the tape in other ways...

Here are Helen and Jinsol with some intense facial hair!

And then I decided to join in the fun...

American Boy

2010-04-27T10:40:00.002+09:00

Many of you may remember that my friend Ben was moving here to teach English for a year. Well, he's here, working at franchise of my school a few subway stops away. His coworker has the hookups and she and Ben get to buy all that American food that the rest of us crave but cant get here. So out of my jealousy, I thought I'd share a photo with you all of Ben showing off his newly purchased American food.

Dinner with church peeps

2010-04-25T23:49:00.002+09:00

As I have mentioned in the past I LOVE Sundays. I wanted to post some picks from tonight's dinner. We all headed out (about 15 of us) to eat some korean style beef.

Kelly and I

Here are Scott, Cam, and Mr. Park

My dear friend Mary! So pretty!

As you can see, eating dinner is communal and messy. Everyone just picks at all the foods on the table with their chopsticks and the meat is cooked right on the table in front of us. Good times.

quote

2010-04-24T19:04:00.001+09:00

(Warning: be careful what you say in front of me because it might end up as a quote on my blog!)

"Guilt is frustration that I cannot fix myself (or my sin) enough to approach the throne of grace."

- Dan

May I add an AMEN!!!

Poetry

2010-04-15T22:11:00.002+09:00

This has been a week of poetry.

In one of my middle school classes, we've been doing a unit on poetry. It's one of my favorite classes to teach because the kids are so old (and I listen to the same music as the girls- Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga!)

So the poor boys, I made them write a poem. No amount of pleading or whining could keep me from assigning such a wonderful task. The boys finally gave in and wrote poems... about me! They thought somehow that writing about how I was "wonderful", "kind", and "beautiful" would get them a higher grade (maybe it worked!). The best part was tonight they had to do a presenation of their poem, reading it aloud to the class. I loved hearing these "too cool for school" boys read about how amazing I am, nonetheless in POEMS they WROTE! It made me and all the girls laugh our hearts out.

In light of my boys poems, I thought I'd post a poem that recently has meant a lot to me.

Wilderness

into the wilderness He led me
hot wind pushing against me as i moved out
every desire behind me
leaving all hope of the past behind
only sallow sand ahead

into the desert He called me
away from the faucets
i had drank from time and time
into the sweltering emptiness
waves of heat pressed all around

the streets of comfort
now so ancient
only brought bitterness to my weary heart

the ties that had once held me
now so futile
they couldn't reach into the wilderness

insignificant grains of sand
burrowed into my sin
burning me and bringing forth fresh tears

thirsty and desperate
i cried out
for water, for anything
all former hope crushed
with nothing to hold
i cried

oh tears, what glorious droplets
shed so freely
in anguish, in despair, in surrender

it was then that my eyes began to open
in the pallid sand
i now saw strokes of marigold and honey
the once oppresive heat
now wrapped around me like a blanket
holding me close as a mother holds her babe

There in the desert
He taught me to see Him
in the dry heat
in the emptiness
i found Life
but can there truly be life in the wilderness?
can existance come outside of the city walls?
i followed Him through the desert,
trusting that His Life was greater
than the life I had imagined in egypt

into the wilderness He led me
into the desert He led me
right into a camp
souls like myself who had found life outside
whose tears had watered the seeds of life

it was there in the desert
that springs of Life sprung forth
outside of the world we had known
far from the trival hopes and fears that had driven us
it was in the wilderness, that we found Life

-Rachel Lake

Sandwich making

2010-04-15T13:08:00.003+09:00

Directions to make an awesome sandwich.

1. take two of the Omega3 bread slices (this bread can only be bought at Paris Baguette in Korea)

2. On slice A, put cream cheese and cucumber

3. On slice B, put djion mustard (lots of it!), fresh made hummus, and lettuce

4. coat both tops of pieces with more humus so the sandwich sticks together, bring pieces together carefully

5. Enjoy!

A date in Hongdae

2010-04-10T18:44:00.002+09:00

Today I took a day off. After last weeks episode, I realized that I needed a day alone with the Lord. So I spent the morning cleaning and baking, and headed out to Hongdae for some little time alone with God. I've written about Hongdae before; its the university area that I love. I've gone on "dates" before with the Lord, times where I went out to the beach in college to pray, etc. I knew it was gonna be a good day.. here I am about to leave the apartment, happy to go!

I chose to go to this little Italian bakery where I sipped on a lovely iced latte while I journaled, prayed, and studied Korean. It was awesome.

Then I headed to the park where during the fall they had live music on Saturdays. Sure enough, the spring has come and they began to host live music again. When I sat down, I immediately recognized the group as one of my favorites from last fall. I remember thinking that the lead singer has a Damien Rice quality to him. After the show, he came up to me out of nowhere and asked if I would put my name and email down on a list. I was surprised, but said yes. I told him that I remembered him from the fall and that he sounded like Damien Rice to me. Now HE was surprised. He said that Damien Rice was one of his favorite singers and he there began to sing "The Blower's Daughter", one of my favorites. We chatted for a bit and then I went on my way, very happy. Here is a little video of the group. This is one of his less Damien-esque songs, but I assure you, he's basically a Korean Damien Rice. :)

A trip to the "country"

2010-04-09T10:04:00.006+09:00

Some Korean children on a field trip to the fortress

Sunyoung and I on the bus to the fortress

A reconstruction of the architecture from back in the day

I just liked this sign, it's kinda funny

These guys were getting ready for a festival and I being the awesome white tourist pulled out my camera and took some photos

"Harmonious City, Happy Suwon" -yeah, ok

Hey friends,

sorry for the delay in posting. I realize that after a post like my previous one, I need to be more prompt in posting so you all know that I am not still sitting in my room crying. No, Monday was better. Tuesday was even better. I am learning to say no to social activities. To leave room in my life for time alone. I know, not really consistent with my extroverted personality. But that's what I need right now. So I am still pursuing relationships, but trying not to overload my schedule. Speaking of, I made a new friend named Betsy. She is basically awesome. She was raised in San Luis Obispo and I dont know if it is the central coast connection, but she is so easy to talk to. I'll post more about her at some later point, but for now I want to share some photos from my time in the countryside with Sunyoung

Sunyoung at lunch. As you might notice, we're sitting on the floor. In Korea, the heating system is done through the floor, so traditionally people sleep, eat, and just in general hang out on the floor.

My favorite Korean food is called Dalk Galbi. It means chicken bbq. Its SOOO yummy. So Sunyoung as an awesome guide did research to find